pancake testimony.

[sparrow]

This is long.
BUT...
maybe one day, it will help someone out there who is struggling.
Just a little light in the darkness, hopefully.


oh boy. The things I share with you all.
ok here goes.

I was having another weird day... fighting off depression.
Ok guys, so since January of this year when we had to put out dog down, I have been on a rollercoaster. Highs and lows and everything in between.
The death of my dog hit me like a ton of bricks.
I don't have kids. This guy has been with me for 13 years.
13 years is a LOT of history. It was like a part of me died.
Home is not home anymore without him.
It's just got this huge missing piece now.

In the time leading up to the point where we let him go, I had subconciously started to push him away. I guess I knew the time was coming soon and for some reason... my heart started to shut down early. I can't believe this happened. I just, I don't know, I started shutting down, I think. Instead of spending MORE time with him, I did the opposite.  :sorry: I just... I don't know what happened to me. Instead of being selfLESS, I was selfISH, somehow. Because of this, his death has been that much more excruciating to me, because all I can think of is how I wish I'd spent the last few months differently. It's been awful. After he died, my heart turned back to the "on" position for him and now he is not here to lavish all that love on. Guilt/remorse/regret almost did me in.
"Gnashing of teeth" is not just a phrase in the book of revelation. It is REAL.
I miss him so much, my heart literally ACHES.
I have beat myself up so much over these last 6 months.. I'm surprised I'm still literally alive. I just want my dog back. I just want to make it up to him. That's all I think about.

I've lost my mother and my grandmother and for some reason this death of my dog knocked me out cold. I know many will not understand, and that's ok.

MANY beautiful things have happened as well, including dreams etc. I know he is ok and happy. so many "God" things happened. I wrote everything down. Two in particular:
"What is seen is temporary and what is unseen is eternal" - There is a long story about that one. And then the other one was "your sorrow will be turned to laughter". So much stuff, so much struggling to learn the lesson and have it create a positive change in me, and to use this experience to strengthen my faith. Etc. (I'm not just all crying and not struggling to turn it around ya'll... The last 6 months have been exhausting.) So, with all the good stuff that has happened...the doubt and fear creep in and tear it all back down and put me at the low point on the rollercoaster. It's just a rollercoater. It will end someday. I know that we don't love in vain.

Some will say "Well this relationship was just pointing to a higher blah blah blah..." basically saying that it isn't REAL. Well, I REJECT that. Our Father is a GOOD Father.
What would honor Him more than to restore relationships so that LOVE can blossom like they never capable of doing on earth? What would honor our Father? That our relationships died and turn into dust.... with so much longing for love to be reunited? Why would that happen? "oh well this is the physical world... and you are just not thinking high enough... spiritually enough..." I REJECT that. What would honor our loving Father more than to reunite loved ones.... and watch the joyful love-filled, reunions take place in front of Him? To see the LOVE come ALIVE.... to see the wonder of all that we held dear, our loved ones, being back in our arms and all of that LOVE can be renewed! rejuvenated! reunited! CELEBRATED!!!!!?? What GLORY that would bring to our Father!!! What Glory!

When Seth started the thread about flesh and blood not inheriting the kingdom.. I sat up and took notice because a few months ago, I had this, I don't know, I don't want to say "Experience" because that sounds a little too mystical to me. I don't know what it was you all. All I know is that for a period of time I was on the highest cloud 9  :cloud9: ever. Even moreso I think than when I finally came into the realization of UR!!! I had a confidence in that we would absolutely, without a doubt, be reunited with our loved ones. That ALL IS WELL. And God loves us and UNDERSTANDS our LOVE that we have for our family. HE UNDERSTANDS. And relationships will be mended and will be far, far more than we ever expected... far, far more loving because we will have perfect communication and we will just all see each other TRULY and our love for each other will be PROPERLY and PERFECTLY communicated. Our love does not end at death. "treasures" in heaven are our loved ones. God knows what they mean to us. He will not let us down.  Our relationships continue and become what they were meant to be ALL ALONG. And not only our close, special relationships with our loved ones, but we will ALL experience this sort of perfectly communicated love with ALL of our brothers and sisters. But our loved ones on earth, the ones we shared life with.... ARE special. God will not TAKE AWAY. He will ADD to, but He will not TAKE AWAY! Our love is REAL. Some spiritualize things too much and grind things into dust that should NOT be ground into dust and dissipated. I need to hang onto that mustard seed sized faith. Not the fizzy faith as referenced in the quote below... but that quality mustard seed sized faith.

Jesus answered them,  "Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only will you do what has been done to the fig tree, but even if you say to this mountain,  'Be lifted up and thrown into the sea,' it will be done.

In this passage Jesus expands the earlier statement to clarify that what is needed faith of a particular quality. That quality is faith without doubt. What Jesus says here is that what does miracles is not a truck load of faith, but just faith the size of mustard seed which is pure. What all of us then need is faith without the bubbles of doubt.

As I empty a can of coke into a glass it bubbles and fills the cup and runs over. I stop then in a minute or two lift the glass to find to my disappointment that the glass is not even half full1 It was all bubbles! Many times we have such faith, fizzy faith, looks full but it is all bubbles of doubt. Million units of fizzy faith can not move even a ant hill forget mountains.

Well, Fear and doubt crept in and tried to rob me of this peace and joy. I say "tried to" because I refuse to let it completely SUCCEED. I may be on the rollercoaster right now..... but I am slowly working back up to that  :cloud9:. I won't give up. The mind CAN enter the kingdom of God with a mustard seed sized faith.



----------------------------------------------------------------------
So what does all of this have to do with "pancakes"????

ok, well... originally I was going to just share this part of the story with you all, the "pancake" thing. But I got to typing, and dangit.... it all came pouring out.
So onto pancakes.

I was making dinner, "oodles of noodles" is about all I could muster to make for dinner.. (I know real healthy.) but I digress. So I put on the hot water. I'm in the kitchen bawling, just crying and crying thinking about how much I miss my dog and wish he was here. Just crying and crying. I went over to my dvd's to pick out an "I love lucy" to watch. That's like ALL I ever watch. I have every single episode. I have lucy dvd's all over the floor. I was thinking to myself I need something to make me laugh. I'm thinking to myself "oh I wish I could remember which dvd had the pancake scene..." There are 34 dvd's ya'll. 194 episodes. I had NO clue which episode had the "pancake scene" I so desperately wanted to see. I even ran into my room while my water kettle is boiling over, and tried to look it up on google, but to no avail.

So I'm sitting there crying, pouring water over my noodles and getting my little bowl of fruit and my iced tea ready. Carry everything into the living room. Go back to the mess of 34 dvd's all splayed out in front of the tv and just pick any old DVD, pop it in.

Look at the episode list, pick one, whatever... I can't find the pancake scene episode anway so what do I care? I'll just watch any old I love lucy.

I'm sitting there, literally CRYING into my little tupperware bowl of noodles, when all of a sudden on the screen appears LUCY flipping pancakes. IT'S THE PANCAKE SCENE EPISODE!!  :mshock: I went from blurry-eyed crying to absolute laughing out loud in the space of one second. I just sat there watching the blurry pancake scene and just laughing and laughing.

Out of 194 episodes... there it was.
on the screen in front of me.
-Making me laugh.
-Which brought me back to the verse that God keeps whispering in my ear "your sorrow will be turned to laughter".
-Which brought me back to my little mustard seed sized faith.
-Which brought me back into the Kingdom of God.

[sparrow]

sorry perhaps this thread is turning into some sort of online journal.
eek. didn't mean for that... but oh well.

I've lost my mother and my grandmother and for some reason this death of my dog knocked me out cold. I know many will not understand, and that's ok.

My grandmother's death in Spring of 2007 was the actual beginning of this rollercoaster.
All I can say is spend time with those you love and always let them know how much you care about them. Is there someone in your life that you have not told them "I love you" in awhile? Don't wait. I was there for my grandma for her last year on earth. But when my mom died when I was a teen, I pushed my grandma away. The pain of losing my mother, I stuffed it all inside and pushed it all away from me. My grandma reminded me so much of my mom that at first I pushed her away too. I did not visit her very much, and over the years it just became the way it was. I put her inside of the same box I put my mother's memories in, and just shoved it way back in the back of my mind.

Grief can teach a person many lessons.
painful lessons.


You don't know what you have until it is gone.

Please. Call that person you have been neglecting to call....
Go visit that loved one you have put in the back of your mind.
Do it today.

peace to you all...

sparrow
p.s.  :HeartThrob: I love you grandma-ma. I love you so much. :HeartThrob:
:HeartThrob: I love you mommy. :HeartThrob:
and  :HeartThrob: I love you "T". :HeartThrob:
with all of my heart and soul.

[Molly]

hey Sparrow, if I could say a few things.  Keep the journal coming.  You are putting the pieces together.

I'll tell you what I am hearing.  Your grief over your dog is the first time you've really allowed yourself to grieve for your mother.  She died when you were a child.  It would only be natural to put up a child's defenses to the pain.  It's too overwhelming.  A child cannot handle real grief.

Sparrow I know from my own experience that the mind doesn't recognize time.  What happened 20 years ago is the present to our minds.  We put on a marker which is arbitrary, but our consciousness which is always in the present, [I AM], thinks it just happened.

We have to grief those we love, we have to walk through that awful pain to get to the other side.  If not, every loss become cumulative and ungrieved.

So it seems your pet has given you a big gift--he has loosed the emotion that you had so tightly wrapped all these years.  It doesn't go away, Sparrow, just because we put it in a box.  It will stay there until we are ready to open the box and deal with it.  God is right there with you, with his big arms around you, helping you open the box.  He will never leave you.  He is giving you a new heart of flesh. That's Christ's heart.  He knows we will never feel real joy if we are bottled up with unresolved grief. 

I went from blurry-eyed crying to absolute laughing out loud in the space of one second. I just sat there watching the blurry pancake scene and just laughing and laughing.

Matthew 5:4
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.


Soak up his love for you, Sparrow.  He's showing it to you.  He's showing you he's right there with you. :HeartThrob:

[jabcat]

 To everything there is a season,
      A time for every purpose under heaven:
       A time to be born,
And a time to die;
      A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
        A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
      A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
        A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
      A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;  (Ecclesiastes 3:1-4)


Psalm 30:5
Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.

God's blessing, James.

[sparrow]

Edited.
Perhaps I will re-post later.
But for now...
Maybe this is just too personal.

peace.
sparrow

[Beloved Servant]

Wait a minute dear Sparrow.
You have balloons and a cake for your dead mom?
Is your dad alive?
Who, besides yourself, will be at the party?

[sparrow]

Yes my dad is still here.
It's a celebration of our love for her.
We (our family) understand the sentiment (though you may not) and that's all that matters.
peace.
sparrow

[Molly]

The grief over my dog is definitely very real, ..

Oh, you don't have to tell me about dogs--I have one now, he is such a gift--I don't know what I would do without him.  His nickname is 'goody two shoes' because he is so good.  He would do anything to please me, and just wants to be around me.  I can't imagine being loved more by anyone. 

When my last dog died, I was in shock because it was an untimely death.  She was a young dog and I found her behind the barn with all her ribs broken on one side, even though the nearest car was half a mile away.  We finally decided for various reasons that she died protecting me.  The next day I was sitting in my study and looked outside and 'saw' her run past the slider.  Then I realized it was a group of leaves caught by the wind right in front of me, in just her shape and size, held together long enough for me to recognize her, a sort of final goodbye.  Wind and spirit are the same word in the Bible.

We do love our pets, don't we?  My name isn't Molly; her's was.

Have a wonderful birthday celebration tomorrow,dear Sparrow. :thumbsup:

[Paul Hazelwood]

You all like Jelly or syrup on your pancakes?  I like grape jelly and this thread has made me hungry.


Great testamony too.    :happygrin:

[Beloved Servant]

Thanks for the clarification, Sparrow.
I thought, for a second, that it was you alone at the "party."
The remembrance between you and your dad is wonderful.

And, I had a doggy that lived more than 16 years, his name was Albert.
I could not express my loss if given. I understand.

[sparrow]

The grief over my dog is definitely very real, ..

Oh, you don't have to tell me about dogs--I have one now, he is such a gift--I don't know what I would do without him.  His nickname is 'goody two shoes' because he is so good.  He would do anything to please me, and just wants to be around me.  I can't imagine being loved more by anyone. 

When my last dog died, I was in shock because it was an untimely death.  She was a young dog and I found her behind the barn with all her ribs broken on one side, even though the nearest car was half a mile away.  We finally decided for various reasons that she died protecting me.  The next day I was sitting in my study and looked outside and 'saw' her run past the slider.  Then I realized it was a group of leaves caught by the wind right in front of me, in just her shape and size, held together long enough for me to recognize her, a sort of final goodbye.  Wind and spirit are the same word in the Bible.


We do love our pets, don't we?  My name isn't Molly; her's was.

So sorry to hear about how she died. How nice that you pay tribute to her through your screenname.  :HeartThrob:  :HeartThrob:  :HeartThrob: That's so special. Everytime I see your name now, I'll think of her.

And thank you for sharing about the leaves... that is awesome!!
He is wonderful, isn't He?

Have a wonderful birthday celebration tomorrow,dear Sparrow. :thumbsup:

Thank you, sister... :HeartThrob:

[sparrow]

You all like Jelly or syrup on your pancakes?  I like grape jelly and this thread has made me hungry.


Great testamony too.    :happygrin:

WHAT??? grape jelly on pancakes??

hmmm. well, actually maybe that's not so bad.
Is it jelly?
or is it polaner all-fruit?

"Please pass the all-fruit..."

"Could ya please pass the jelly?"

*faints*


(ok, please someone tell me that they know what I'm talking about..) lol.

I use syrup on my pancakes.
and not a lot.
I have to put it on the side and dip it in.

[sparrow]

And, I had a doggy that lived more than 16 years, his name was Albert.
I could not express my loss if given. I understand.

I know. It's humbling, isn't it?
(the love.)

peace,
sparrow

[Beloved Servant]

I had him since he was about 4 weeks old, too young perhaps.
But, he would sleep all cuddled up to my neck and — well — I just really miss my dog.
He was a great gift.

[Paul Hazelwood]

You all like Jelly or syrup on your pancakes?  I like grape jelly and this thread has made me hungry.


Great testamony too.    :happygrin:

WHAT??? grape jelly on pancakes??

hmmm. well, actually maybe that's not so bad.
Is it jelly?
or is it polaner all-fruit?

"Please pass the all-fruit..."

"Could ya please pass the jelly?"

*faints*


(ok, please someone tell me that they know what I'm talking about..) lol.

HAHAHAHA  we act out that commercial everytime I drag out the jelly.  Halarious.

[SQ]

Hi sparrow your posts inspire me, sometimes brings me to tears but healing tears.
I also lost my sweet dog to death In March, I am very quiet and an introvert also although I would not suspect that of you, you seem so open.

A really weird thing happened to me the 4th of July a huge skinny dog (looks like greyhound/lab mix) was standing in the highway, I was scared she would be run over I coaxed her to come to the fenced yard she was grateful for food and water.
I really didn't know if she would get along with my small dogs and cat, She is great with my cat and good with my small dogs.
She has the personality almost exact as the dog I lost,She looks nothing like him.
My husband  wanted to call and have her picked up by the county.

I felt it would be certain death, anyway he did call but I was so sad over this and said it is all on me but I want to keep her, he said fine.
He called county and said we were going to keep her.
I felt this dog may be a gift to ease my grieving heart, how could I throw this gift that possibly God had given me away?
I plan to get her spayed shortly, the problem is getting the big girl in the car. :dontknow:  :laughing7:

[Molly]

She has the personality almost exact as the dog I lost,She looks nothing like him.

My mother always had white cats.  One would die and another would show up on her doorstep.  They were always wonderful animals.  Another white cat? I never could figure out how that happened.  :laughing7:

PS I sent up a prayer for your mother, SQ.

[SQ]

Thank you Molly for the prayers for my mom, they are much needed and much appreciated.

My cat is 15 and loves to walk outside on a leash with my dogs I have to keep him leashed because he knows he can't go outside otherwise. I enjoy cats they are great little pets.   :cloud9:

[sparrow]

Hi sparrow your posts inspire me, sometimes brings me to tears but healing tears.
I also lost my sweet dog to death In March, I am very quiet and an introvert also although I would not suspect that of you, you seem so open.

:HeartThrob:  :HeartThrob:  :HeartThrob:

Our dogs are together playing, I'm sure of it. Since we formed a connection here on earth, over our dog's deaths.. you just KNOW that God's letting them play together..  :HeartThrob:. They are ok. and in the best hands. They definitely have taught us some things, huh? Hard to go through the separation... but I am confident of the reunion. I have faith.

and lol... yes, I am very quiet and introverted. It's easier for me to communicate online than it is in "real" life. I barely speak a word in real life... lol.

A really weird thing happened to me the 4th of July a huge skinny dog (looks like greyhound/lab mix) was standing in the highway, I was scared she would be run over I coaxed her to come to the fenced yard she was grateful for food and water.
I really didn't know if she would get along with my small dogs and cat, She is great with my cat and good with my small dogs.
She has the personality almost exact as the dog I lost,She looks nothing like him.
My husband  wanted to call and have her picked up by the county.

I felt it would be certain death, anyway he did call but I was so sad over this and said it is all on me but I want to keep her, he said fine.
He called county and said we were going to keep her.
I felt this dog may be a gift to ease my grieving heart, how could I throw this gift that possibly God had given me away?
I plan to get her spayed shortly, the problem is getting the big girl in the car. :dontknow:  :laughing7:

How wonderful!!  :icon_flower: I'm so happy for you, and how wonderful for her!
I'm so glad to hear that, SQ...
:HeartThrob:  :HeartThrob:  :HeartThrob:
What are you going to name her?

[SQ]

Hi sparrow I named her Lucille, I tried calling her Betsy but she didn't seem to like that name. She took to Lucille (Lucy) immediately.
Losing my dog has been so unspeakable sad, there are no words that can express how I feel, but through it all I am being taught to love more appreciate what I have treat people kind, and keep the memory alive of those that has gone on people and animals.
There is so much more.
I think this loss has given me a balance of love and appreciation, something I never had before.
I still want my dog, but I will have to wait.  :HeartThrob:

[sparrow]

Hi sparrow I named her Lucille, I tried calling her Betsy but she didn't seem to like that name. She took to Lucille (Lucy) immediately.
Losing my dog has been so unspeakable sad, there are no words that can express how I feel, but through it all I am being taught to love more appreciate what I have treat people kind, and keep the memory alive of those that has gone on people and animals.
There is so much more.
I think this loss has given me a balance of love and appreciation, something I never had before.
I still want my dog, but I will have to wait.  :HeartThrob:

I love it!!!! Lucy.. hee! Great name.  :icon_flower:


I feel the same way as you. I think you summed it up, beautifully.
Our hearts are in the same place.

love ya sis,
sparrow

[rosered]

  wonderful  sparrow , I loved reading this thread

  oH WHAT GOD CAN DO !! :HeartThrob:nothing is impossible to Him
  ''The little things that mean so much eh sis'' ?

   the Lucy and the  pancakes  :thumbsup:
I to  grieved  for my   dogs Moses  and Axel for a long while 
both at different times in my life 
Moses was more of an angel  sent by the Lord , than a dog
to me , there are many mysteries in that time  the Lord was dealing with my heart.

and Axel was so dear and I never knew what a great dog he was till after he passed , hind sight is 20 20  :sigh:


peace sis and rest to your soul  :HeartThrob:  rose

[SQ]

Oh my goodness how slow can one person be?
I am meaning myself.
I named my dog Lucille that came to me the 4th of July.
sparrow and her lucille Ball dvd's.
I have to say this must be more than a coincidence.
This was an ah ha moment. :cloud9:
I am almost embarassed it took me to now to put the pieces of this together.
Thank you sparrow. :HeartThrob:

[sparrow]

Oh my goodness how slow can one person be?
I am meaning myself.
I named my dog Lucille that came to me the 4th of July.
sparrow and her lucille Ball dvd's.
I have to say this must be more than a coincidence.
This was an ah ha moment. :cloud9:
I am almost embarassed it took me to now to put the pieces of this together.
Thank you sparrow. :HeartThrob:

LOL! You think you're slow... I didn't think of it right away either.
I read your post, then logged off to go do some other things then came back later to respond and that's when it hit me.
Lucille!!! oh wait! how cool!!

:icon_flower:  :HeartThrob:  :laughing7:

[sparrow]

  wonderful  sparrow , I loved reading this thread

  oH WHAT GOD CAN DO !! :HeartThrob:nothing is impossible to Him
  "The little things that mean so much eh sis" ?

   the Lucy and the  pancakes  :thumbsup:
I to  grieved  for my   dogs Moses  and Axel for a long while 
both at different times in my life 
Moses was more of an angel  sent by the Lord , than a dog
to me , there are many mysteries in that time  the Lord was dealing with my heart.

and Axel was so dear and I never knew what a great dog he was till after he passed , hind sight is 20 20  :sigh:


peace sis and rest to your soul  :HeartThrob:  rose

hindsight is 20/20... defintely. Such a tough lesson isn't it??
I have that glorious hope though..
What glory it would bring to Him...
to witness the overflowing love of a reunion.
The love reunited. and celebrated...
the lessons learned.

love ya sisters,
sparrow