It used to be that my heart ached because of the condition of the lost - that is...the eternally lost.
It is my testimony that I faced the abyss and took in the full scope as full as I could take it in; the conclusion of Hell as it is taught. I saw Eternal Damnation and thought it through as far as my mind's eyes could see - which was terribly far...
Such a Hell where a human ceased to be human and the loved creation of God devolved into the most hideously perfecting darkness with but one purpose; to express that darkness upon one another, ceaselessly forever without end or death, and forgetting every light. It was the vilest sort of culture. There was so much wickedness, and ever increasing wickedness, ever perfecting darkness.
The smallest unrepentant sinner, for merest sake of not saying a sinner's prayer was sent there to a fate worse than death. Even an unsaved girl whom at the time I loved so dearly that I would have married her if I could. If she had not left me that is...But none the less, I prayed for her especially and did so for three years straight three to five times a day without ceasing. There was no conversion...She would not even pray, not even pray for me when I asked.
When I would run the scenario in my mind - I would see her at times, being sent down into the lost places. A beautiful young girl, surrounded by the molten sea or scourged by the heat of scalding rock with some dark and horrid sky above. If this were not enough, I remembered the ever perfecting wickedness of men there and their devolution into things altogether godless. They raped my love, and there was no ceasing of it. They didn't stop. They didn't just take her innocence, or her body - but through the traumatic experience that was their endless, increasing, wicked torturing she lost her mind as they had lost their mind and she ceased to be my love. She was annihilated as a human, and replaced by a Hell-animal.
From my high place in Heaven I watched the torment. My eternity there was forever lonely. I would have no love in Heaven, my love was gone and I was in the very bosom of God comfortless as I watched. I alone in Heaven wept, and I would weep forever.
The long ages of Eternity looked to me like perpetual emptiness. Sure I was surrounded by "brothers and sisters" and God who "loved me" but I didn't feel any of it. As far as the "brothers and sisters" were concerned I wanted none of them and none of their love. As for God, I was I suppose just the strange child who would have no rest in the land of rest.
It was simply too much to see a thing as this. These were not Hitlers, or Stalins, or Neros that were being turned into vicious slaves to ruined, unrecognisable evils. This was the fullest loss of my first love, whom at the time I pondered these things I thought would be my forever love. Not only were we to be separated by an impassible gulf between us - but we would soon be forever separated by the loss of her humanity altogether to the torture of myself remaining human enough to perceive it for all eternity.
But at this time that I still defended or held the doctrine of Eternal Damnation - I felt a few things.
When I would hear people say; "Be thankful! You're not going to Hell! Isn't that exciting?!"
I would think to myself - I almost wish I would...Maybe then I would provide some light enough there of God to stave off the destruction of their humanity, or atleast protect the one I love from the others. After all if I am perfect I should not be harmed.
I would also...imagine at times...falling down out of Heaven and pulling her up out of the fire, and taking her with me upwards. It was perhaps 'highest rebellion' and I knew it, spiritual pride at its worst - but I was so in love that if push came to shove, I had no other choice. I felt that if she would not be lifted up by God, then maybe he would take mercy on his child when the child tries to do it himself.
So I struggled with Hell.
Then I read Hope Beyond Hell, and it was very strange. It felt to me like, my heart or spirit, some inner part of me that was not my intellect, accepted it immediately. You see, my innerness clung to it immediately and sealed it without thought or otherwise! It even, I even - began to defend the idea before my intellect had even finished thinking about it long enough to accept it. It was not my heart that took time to accept it...it was my intellect.
It was the struggle in my intellect that was the difficult part of accepting Universal Reconciliation as true.
I had read the book, saw it Biblically defensible, and more than that I saw it so beautiful and good that my heart embraced it without hindrance or hesitation in itself of any kind, I was so full of joy and lightness at it that I knew not what it was! But the mind needed time, and so it was my mind that stood on the threshold and looked at either way - hesitating about which road of doctrine to accept.
I had a choice; Continue believing in Eternal Damnation, or commit myself fully to the belief that God will save all, and be all in all.
When I would step towards Eternal Damnation I felt a terrible thing. I felt a weight, a physical weight on my shoulders. Like...two massive anvils on my shoulders. And my heart felt like a millstone made of iron. In my heart I knew that I knew that the weight I felt was the yoke of Christ if I continued to follow the doctrine of Damnation. I said to myself that day aloud, and new that I new it was true;
"The yoke of Christ became very, very heavy..."
But when I would step towards Universal Reconciliation, I felt such gladness, and lightness, and joy, and happiness. I wanted to dance, my heart was elated, and my whole being seemed to lift and become brighter. I wanted to rejoice with God, I wanted to embrace him, I wanted to call him Father instead of just Lord. I wanted it to be true.
The yoke of Christ became light again.
So here I am - a Universal Reconciliationist. And happier and more in love with God than I ever thought possible. Though my beloved left me, and though I feel very full of pain over her leaving me - I feel more certain that God will give me a better love, but more than that I am assured that my prayers will be answered. My prayers were not in vain, my God is not in vain, and my Christ is not in vain.
My heartache over the lost, is rather heartache out of compassion now - rather than desperation. I know God shall care for them more than I can.
But now my heart aches over a different thing. The heartache I felt over the eternally lost, I now feel over those who don't accept UR, who hate it, who defend Hell as I had done, and call Hell (irremedial eternal torturous damnation) just or loving...saying UR is not just, or loving...
Why do they not see the good news? Why is it so that those who are "saved from Hell" are lost to the Good News? What good does it do them to gain the whole world to come, but lose so much in their own soul that faith in the victorious God can only bring? My heart aches for them... :bsad: