About to Go Insane; I May Have Found You Just In Time

[HeyJude]

This is all probably going to sound extremely disjointed, so please bear with me; it's 2 AM here and I've just come off a gigantic binge of Tentmaker material as well as a lot of all-happening-at-once life issues...and those on top of being literally scared half to death since April, and that on top of what I'm beginning to realize is a nearly life-long trauma of the Church that seems to have been blocked out since about age 8.

Some beginning, huh? Where to start...I'm 24, live in New York, and am the product of a mixed marriage, a Reform (and heavily anti-Zionist) Jewish father and a rather lapsed Catholic mother. I went to CCD (Catholic Saturday classes) for several years, received baptism, confession, communion, and confirmation, and chose Jude as my saint as my forum name reflects. Jude is patron saint of impossible cases, and I have struggled with anxiety, panic attacks, and OCD my entire life, oftentimes being reduced to near insanity...as seems to have happened here again. I need all the help I can get, and if thinking "remember, you're named after a saint who deals in impossibilities" helps, so be it.

The CCD program, to put it bluntly, was awful. It was a lot of what I've seen termed "Calv-Arminianism" with a dash of Hellfire here and there, but mostly it felt incomplete and condescending. I got in trouble a lot for, get this, reading the Bible and asking honest questions, and not the sort that some smart-alecks think are funny to ask either. Funny, I recently learned the Catholic church counted it a sin to have a Bible in one's possession for a long time. Hah!

I concluded at its close that the program had actually worsened my faith; beforehand and for many years after I was a sort of natural panentheist (NOT a pantheist; in fact nearly the exact opposite). I have believed in God from the earliest I can recall, and never had any issues with the ideas of an uncreated Creator, a being immanent in and transcending all reality we can see. But the fact remains, I was ignorant and traumatized, and I blocked most questions, including the ideas of Hell. When I thought of it, I went back the mercy I remembered being taught (and which felt incredibly right, beyond words to say) and thought "Well, only someone really bad like Hitler could go there." As you can imagine, I had not stopped to think of what "eternal punishment worse than anything humans can devise" actually meant.

Well, a few months ago my blocks suddenly came tumbling down. I have been having what you could describe as a "functioning nervous breakdown," meaning by what seems sheer force of will alone I keep going, but feel insanity creeping closer and closer every day. And it's hitting me HARD now. I've spent more of the last 24 hours binging on Tentmaker materials than I did sleeping, and I have been sleeping a lot recently. I'm seeing horrible things when I close my eyes, and the entire world seems like it's from Hell now; I'm afraid to take any joy in anything at all.

Although I'm mostly convinced of Universalism, there are still some nagging doubts. Also, I don't see how Annihilationism robs God of any glory; when unrepentant sinners are truly gone for good, God can be made All in All for the simple reason that there's nothing opposing Him any longer. Wouldn't annihilation be mercy? Honestly, I wish for it now; I feel incredibly evil and unworthy of life. I wish God would just blot me from existence, and I would thank Him sincerely just before/as He did it.

And the main reason for the fear? As you've probably guessed, I'm utterly OCD about doing research on things like this. I spent time on atheist and anti-Christian sites too, honestly to see how many of their arguments I could break down in my head. The answer was nearly all of them; for instance, as a scientist myself, I am extremely annoyed at how many smug, coffee-shop atheists take the theory of evolution and expand it into domains it was never meant to treat of, and then use that as "proof" that there is no God. If you ask me, evolution is God's ultimate recursive-programming trick, a function that starts with a tiny set of inputs and calls itself over and over and produces amazing, varied results.

However, the arguments I have NOT been able to refute thus far are of a different type. Bluntly put, the Christian mythos as we are taught it has almost nothing original in it. I don't just mean it's similar to, among others, Buddha, Mithra, Dionysus, Krishna, the Egyptian holy trinities plural (of which Isis/Osiris/Horus are but one), and a host of others. I mean entire mythic cycles are cribbed wholesale from these.

Obviously something's wrong here; I know in my heart of hearts that Osiris, for example, is an idol. Ditto Dionysus, who, if there were no other objection to his divinity, acts worse than most college students I've seen. I have never had even a single inkling to worship any being but that God which I know to be REAL deep down. But these questions trouble me, and the possible answers are unsettling.

And this leads me to the crux of the fear: Universalism is not some kind of fluffy unicorns and rainbows doctrine. God is not mocked, as it is said. I am liable to penalty for any sins I commit, and God being God, who is to say He won't tell me on that day "Every single thing you did wrong you will pay for by suffering as a sentient pain signal in a lake of lava for longer than the age of the known universe, for each sin" or something similar? That is, while I can see why eternal torment is an unbiblical doctrine, I confess I cannot see any mercy in God besides that yet. Yes, it's blasphemy, but I have not had any personal experience of this mercy yet. And Universalism holds that rejecting Christ is about the worst sin you can commit; yet, I do not have enough information to accept Him with my whole heart yet, and dread to know what my penalty will be in the afterlife. I have not experienced God as mercy or love, and the intellectual arguments saying this is so, while helpful, are sterile.

What will happen to me if I die like this, as I suspect I will? How long will I suffer? WHAT will I suffer? And what about my poor parents, who never looked far into this, or my wonderful girlfriend, who is an avowed atheist?

[Paul Hazelwood]

Here is the deal Jude,

Emotion is a troublesome thing to work through.  Of course we do not want feel good emotional stuff but perhaps this will also help lift the cloud of uncertainty.

Isn't what you actually have been taught so far emotional in fear and self preservation rather than seeing how it applies to all of God's creation?

Perhaps I could be misunderstanding your post so I am not being harsh.


So, let's remove the emotion from it all.  Stay static in Gods character for a moment.


If perfect Love casts out fear then what does actually cast out fear.

Is it the understanding that God Corrects?   Do you believe God to be a corrective God, or can you see that without emotion?   Does it take or invoke emotion to see that? 

Not really.


However what does invoke emotion?   That you have to always worry about eternal damnation or non existance because as a human you didn't quite get it? 

Can you statically believe that about God without your emotions contradicting scripture that perfect Love casts out fear?

I am not pretending I can help you, this came to mind and I only hope that it does.

[Cardinal]

 :cloud9: Hi Jude.........welcome to the Tent........you don't know it yet, but it's no coincidence that you found us. I am of Jewish descent with a Catholic mother also. The first thing that you need to do as I did, and cry out in recognition of God's son, Yeshua and ask Him to reveal Himself to you. The love flows from HIM like a might river, washing you clean of all fears, unbelief, ect. Blessings and peace to you........

[Molly]

Hi Jude,

You may not know him personally yet, but he knows you.  You are in for a wonderful surprise the day you become fully aware of his huge love for us.  Please try to find some rest in that and spend some time reading God's promises to us--he has a plan for you to prosper you and bring you into his glorious freedom.  For now, take our word that you can completely trust him for he is [trust]worthy.

Hebrews 13:5
... and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.

[Redlettervoice]

Hello there Jude!!! I like Jude too!  I like what he said about seeking
for the "faith" that was "once" delivered to the saints.  Them people
scaring you with their doctrines are delivering someting besides
"faith" in Jesus! 

If you read somewhere around 12 Deut. or I may have that chap.
mixed up, but it talks about how God brings things "down" before
your face.......that's a sure sign for YOU to begin cooperating "WITH"
God and that God has given YOU permission to now "smite...smite..
smite.." Your carnal mind is working overtime.  And the horrible
things you have seen are only "lies" right out of your carnal mind.
Smite smite smite.  I used to see things too, and I didn't have
someone "telling" ME what I am telling YOU!  I'd be in my sleep with
my Spirit awake, calling my husband, no luck, calling my mother,
no luck, calling Jesus, no answer, then: Speaking: "Satan, I'll
fight you!!" Immediately, the hold was gone, the blood coming
out of my ears, nose, and mouth ceased.......that's what I was
seeing.............................................................

Today, years years later, I recognize that liar..........we are to become like Jesus when He said "he found nothing in me." Truth in us
will swallow up that dude!

Do not be afraid................fear thou not, for I am with you. I will
help you.  I will .........the Lord said.

And we here will stand with you.  Lean on Him and lean hard.

[aspiring son]

Wecome Jude,

Many of us have started out on the path as you are now; angry, confused, depressed. But my friend, I'm here to tell you that when we are not faithful, God still is-

"If we are faithless, he remains faithful;he cannot deny himself." 2 tim 2 13

And you are his, we all are whether we acknowledge it now or later.

I hope you stay with us; keep us posted on how you are doing. And rest. Let God do the work of showing you all that he has. You see, one of the most powerful statements EVER, is that God IS love. He is not a loving god; it's his very nature, makeup, DNA if you will. One of the things God can not do is not love. So as he draws you near, you will find the truth in Him, and it is truly redemption and forgiveness. You may be scared, uncertain and burdened, but His burden is light.

here's a recommended site:   bible-truths.com

Keep in touch, hope to hear from you soon

Grace and peace,

Brandon

[HeyJude]

Thanks for your answers, everyone...but I have a feeling this is going to take a long time, and might not happen in my lifetime. I think I'm broken. There is almost no joy in life, and I'm paralyzed from doing almost anything for fear of more sin; but, since I can't seem to take the Christian story as usually presented for the reasons above, no amount of good I do is going to help anyway.

I still haven't seen that mercy or love. I have nightmares nearly every night. What is it going to take to be given a wonderful vision I can count on like Charles Slagle had? Am I not insane enough? I can't go insane now, damn it, I have no insurance! My family lives paycheck to paycheck and we simply cannot afford hospitalization or medicine of any kind.

I don't want to exist any more. It seems like I'm headed to Hell anyway, so may as well get it over with. But I can't off myself either, for the sake of my parents and girlfriend.

Does anyone know what the future penalties are? Since I can't see much mercy in God yet, I still have this horrible dread of being told I'm going to suffer worse than anything any human can inflict on another human for longer than the age of the universe for each separate sin...

[Cardinal]

 :cloud9: Hi Jude.........you are not required to take the Christian stories for any reason. Why you so desperately need is a RELATIONSHIP with the PERSON of Yeshua. It's not about a doctrine it's about a relationship that leads to all Truth. Cry out to Him to reveal Himself to you. It works, and then all of your questions will be answered by Him and thru Him to you PERSONALLY. Blessings to you.........

[HeyJude]

I have been crying out, and it seems like the only answers I get are either lies, nightmares, or things I can't even comprehend or be sure I actually saw, let alone understood. I don't want to live any more. I want to get started on these judgments and "touchstonings" and so forth already. There is nothing here for me in this life, and I fear that even if there does come to be something eventually, it's still earthly and by doing anything to go after it (by which I understand just living a normal life as, I note, even many fire-and-brimstone types do) that I'm doing wrong.

Can you understand this, what it means to be mortally afraid of the entire world, equal parts scared of and pitying of your own family and loved ones, and hovering on the brink of insanity? Can you understand what living like that for an extended period is like?

[sparrow]

I have been crying out, and it seems like the only answers I get are either lies, nightmares, or things I can't even comprehend or be sure I actually saw, let alone understood. I don't want to live any more. I want to get started on these judgments and "touchstonings" and so forth already. There is nothing here for me in this life, and I fear that even if there does come to be something eventually, it's still earthly and by doing anything to go after it (by which I understand just living a normal life as, I note, even many fire-and-brimstone types do) that I'm doing wrong.

Can you understand this, what it means to be mortally afraid of the entire world, equal parts scared of and pitying of your own family and loved ones, and hovering on the brink of insanity? Can you understand what living like that for an extended period is like?

Yes. I understand. It ended with me lying in a fetal position in the base of my shower crying uncontrollably. Take out your bible, ask for God to bring you to truth. Ask Him to have mercy on you and to bring you to truth. Open up your bible and see where He leads you. Calm your mind. Take a deep breath. Go slow.

HeyJude, there is nothing that we can do to escape His love. Nothing. That is one of the things this world is going to end up teaching us. No matter how far in the darkness we may go... His arms reach farther.


Please be sure to hear what he says at the very end. Let it sink in.


Don't forget that God subjected us to this futility...
Read Romans 8.
He knows our hearts.
Our heart is the only thing that matters to Him.
No matter how many times you fail.
He loves you.
We were subjected to futility for a reason...
We will one day have this removed.
And we will be who we were always meant to be.
In the meantime, we struggle through, we learn and we are being shaped.

There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

One day, we WILL be prefected in love... and that day, ALL fear will drop off of us.
Let it start happening NOW. Work towards that fear dropping off of you now...
The more you let fear drop OFF, the more you make room for LOVE in your heart.

peace...

[Shadow]

Hey Jude

I know how you feel and can empathize with you, I also see blackness most days from which there seems to be no escape....however....

There are a few people on here that have been through the same nightmare to one degree or other, some not as severe as myself and yourself, I was going insane from the thought anyone would end up in an eternal hell, and I'm quite conservative in my outlook, I still support capital punishment (though for some reason, I won't be surprised if this may change) and law and order and discipline

It may seem as if everyone may be a liar, I wake up some days and think that this world is filled with narcissistic pathological liars, but more and more I'm coming to realize that there has to be a good reason why I went through the same nightmare you went through, before that I didn't give 2 hoots about anybody but the feelings during the last one and a half years have actually become stronger rather than weaker, this isn't something I had a passing obsession over, there is definitely something to it

Listen to the advice given by many of the people on here such as Cardinal, sparrow, WillieH, martincisneros and many others on here, you won't find comfort on a normal christian forum that tries to browbeat you into submission with their looming threat of the odious and utterly detestable eternal torture doctrine

Here are a few UR sources you may try

http://www.tlchrist.info/

http://www.lighthouselibrary.com/read.php?sel=2586&searchfor=||KNOCH

http://www.nccg.org/mlt/sermons/3_065.html

http://wisefire.tv/ (this is a UR community, but there are lots of links to many other UR websites

I just hope you can concentrate OK, I know what it's like to feel the way you do, try just read a bit at a time, although things may seem to stay the same, I'm sure that one day they will get better :bgdance:

[SQ]

God Bless you Jude, you have Godly advice here.
I will pray for you.

[Cardinal]

I have been crying out, and it seems like the only answers I get are either lies, nightmares, or things I can't even comprehend or be sure I actually saw, let alone understood. I don't want to live any more. I want to get started on these judgments and "touchstonings" and so forth already. There is nothing here for me in this life, and I fear that even if there does come to be something eventually, it's still earthly and by doing anything to go after it (by which I understand just living a normal life as, I note, even many fire-and-brimstone types do) that I'm doing wrong.

Can you understand this, what it means to be mortally afraid of the entire world, equal parts scared of and pitying of your own family and loved ones, and hovering on the brink of insanity? Can you understand what living like that for an extended period is like?

:cloud9: Can you share some of your 'nightmares' here? Sometimes the Spirit is speaking and we just don't know the language of symbols being communicated.

I only know that I lived like that for a mere 13 days after seeing into the spiritual world of darkness, before meeting Him. Had it not been for that life changing meeting, I would not have lasted much longer.

Father, help 'Jude' this day to see Your face in Your Son. Blessings....

[rosered]

 

 Hi Jude
 I feel your pain bro and  I have been there and done that , the only cosolation was found in Psalms .

 this is a good one here
 I  felt that  many a doctore would call David  OCD with bouts of Schizophrenia [mental disorder]  with all his ups and downs  
whew , I dont think this life does hold alot of Hope  , but the spirit of the new man in Christ holds all hope and key to peace within  you




Psa 107:1 ¶ O give thanks unto the LORD, for [he is] good: for his mercy [endureth] for ever.  


Psa 107:2   Let the redeemed of the LORD say [so], whom he hath redeemed from the hand of the enemy;  


Psa 107:3   And gathered them out of the lands, from the east, and from the west, from the north, and from the south.  


Psa 107:4   They wandered in the wilderness in a solitary way; they found no city to dwell in.  


Psa 107:5   Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them.  


Psa 107:6   Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble, [and] he delivered them out of their distresses.  


Psa 107:7   And he led them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city of habitation.  


Psa 107:8   Oh that [men] would praise the LORD [for] his goodness, and [for] his wonderful works to the children of men!  


Psa 107:9   For he satisfieth the longing soul, and filleth the hungry soul with goodness.  
Psa 107:10  Such as sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, [being] bound in affliction and iron;  


Psa 107:11   Because they rebelled against the words of God, and contemned the counsel of the most High:  


Psa 107:12   Therefore he brought down their heart with labour; they fell down, and [there was] none to help.  


Psa 107:13   Then they cried unto the LORD in their trouble, [and] he saved them out of their distresses.  


Psa 107:14   He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and brake their bands in sunder.  


Psa 107:15   Oh that [men] would praise the LORD [for] his goodness, and [for] his wonderful works to the children of men!  


Psa 107:16   For he hath broken the gates of brass, and cut the bars of iron in sunder.  


Psa 107:17   Fools because of their transgression, and because of their iniquities, are afflicted.  


Psa 107:18   Their soul abhorreth all manner of meat; and they draw near unto the gates of death.  


Psa 107:19   Then they cry unto the LORD in their trouble, [and] he saveth them out of their distresses.  


Psa 107:20   He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered [them] from their destructions.  


Psa 107:21   Oh that [men] would praise the LORD [for] his goodness, and [for] his wonderful works to the children of men!  


Psa 107:22   And let them sacrifice the sacrifices of thanksgiving, and declare his works with rejoicing.  


Psa 107:23   They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters;  


Psa 107:24   These see the works of the LORD, and his wonders in the deep.  


Psa 107:25   For he commandeth, and raiseth the stormy wind, which lifteth up the waves thereof.  


Psa 107:26   They mount up to the heaven, they go down again to the depths: their soul is melted because of trouble.  


Psa 107:27   They reel to and fro, and stagger like a drunken man, and are at their wits' end.  

Psa 107:28   Then they cry unto the LORD in their trouble, and he bringeth them out of their distresses.  


Psa 107:29   He maketh the storm a calm, so that the waves thereof are still.  

Psa 107:30   Then are they glad because they be quiet; so he bringeth them unto their desired haven.  


Psa 107:31   Oh that [men] would praise the LORD [for] his goodness, and [for] his wonderful works to the children of men!  


Psa 107:32   Let them exalt him also in the congregation of the people, and praise him in the assembly of the elders.  


Psa 107:33   He turneth rivers into a wilderness, and the watersprings into dry ground;  


Psa 107:34   A fruitful land into barrenness, for the wickedness of them that dwell therein.  


Psa 107:35   He turneth the wilderness into a standing water, and dry ground into watersprings.  


Psa 107:36   And there he maketh the hungry to dwell, that they may prepare a city for habitation;  


Psa 107:37   And sow the fields, and plant vineyards, which may yield fruits of increase.  


Psa 107:38   He blesseth them also, so that they are multiplied greatly; and suffereth not their cattle to decrease.  


Psa 107:39   Again, they are minished and brought low through oppression, affliction, and sorrow.  


Psa 107:40   He poureth contempt upon princes, and causeth them to wander in the wilderness, [where there is] no way.  


Psa 107:41   Yet setteth he the poor on high from affliction, and maketh [him] families like a flock.  


Psa 107:42   The righteous shall see [it], and rejoice: and all iniquity shall stop her mouth.  


Psa 107:43   Whoso [is] wise, and will observe these [things], even they shall understand the lovingkindness of the LORD.  


 good advice  friends enjoyed your posts to Jude  :HeartThrob:

Rose

[sparrow]

Father, help 'Jude' this day to see Your face in Your Son. Blessings....

:HeartThrob: :HeartThrob: Amen Cardinal.. Father please wrap your loving arms around our friend and let our friend taste peace, your peace... which surpasses all understanding.

[rosered]

   :icon_flower:

I have been crying out, and it seems like the only answers I get are either lies, nightmares, or things I can't even comprehend or be sure I actually saw, let alone understood. I don't want to live any more. I want to get started on these judgments and "touchstonings" and so forth already. There is nothing here for me in this life, and I fear that even if there does come to be something eventually, it's still earthly and by doing anything to go after it (by which I understand just living a normal life as, I note, even many fire-and-brimstone types do) that I'm doing wrong.

Can you understand this, what it means to be mortally afraid of the entire world, equal parts scared of and pitying of your own family and loved ones, and hovering on the brink of insanity? Can you understand what living like that for an extended period is like?

:cloud9: Can you share some of your 'nightmares' here? Sometimes the Spirit is speaking and we just know the language of symbols being communicated.

I only know that I lived like that for a mere 13 days after seeing into the spiritual world of darkness, before meeting Him. Had it not been for that life changing meeting, I would not have lasted much longer.

Father, help 'Jude' this day to see Your face in Your Son. Blessings....

:thumbsup:

  :icon_flower:  Agree with this  Card more than you know  :HeartThrob:  Rose

[rosered]

Father, help 'Jude' this day to see Your face in Your Son. Blessings....

:HeartThrob: :HeartThrob: Amen Cardinal.. Father please wrap your loving arms around our friend and let our friend taste peace, your peace... which surpasses all understanding.

sparrow  :gangel: :HeartThrob:    Amen!!

[Redlettervoice]

.

Hey Jude! Isn't that a song?  :girlheart:

I wrote and talked to you a while this morning and I don't see it
anywhere so I musta punched that preview button and ran off quickly
...........anyway, God knows every word I said, and I remember basically
telling you that God "brings things down before our face" when He is
at the same time giving us permission to work "with" HIM and smite it.
Deut. 12 .......I think?

Blessings.................you got enough on here now, so I won't fodder
you. ha ...............you'll be alright..........God led you here, so I'm
sure ...........He'll do more.  One of these days, it will seem like it
was never real.  I had it happen to me.

Bye now.

[ChosenofGod37]

Hey Jude,

I believe you are being oppressed by demonic spirits. The devil is a liar and the father of lies. The enemy is out to kill, steal and destroy lives. If you do not know the Lord Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior, Repent of your sins and Believe on the Lord Jesus for your eternal salvation before your head hits the pillow tonight. It is better to go through the storms of life with the Lord holding your hand than facing them alone. I will lift you up in prayer Jude, hang in there. God bless.

[scotr]

Hello Jude,

I'm sure I've out sinned you hands down.  Cause I'm quite a bit more than twice your age.  Plus a lot of that sinning came after I was 'saved'.  Years of it and monstrous guilt I still struggle with.  You see I was a big-time wallower in the 'sixties movement'.  You imagine it .... I've done it.  Repeatedly.

Sometimes the entirety of my faith is just knowing it's the best deal out there and even if I don't 'feel' it ... I believe.  It's like the Apostles said when Jesus asked some of them if they wanted to leave him too as some disciples were doing.  I paraphrase,  "Where would we go Master.  It is you who have the words of eternal life."

Only Jesus offers eternal life.  Spiritual life more real and alive than any living we can imagine.  Those other cults you mentioned are just cheap copies perpetrated by Satan to confuse you.  Disinformation.  Counterfeits designed to make one doubt if anything is really real.

Dump the religion Jude.  All of it.  Flush it.  Decide.  Jesus is the real deal the only deal and the only One who died for us.  Just say yes and watch the healing begin.

Get your mind off yourself.  Serve someone else.  Make it count. 

[Molly]

Hi Jude,

You say you are without health insurance but I would encourage you to call your local hospital and/or medical groups because there are often clinics for people without insurance and private doctors will often offer a sliding scale depending on your income.  I would encourage you to find some professional help where you live if you think you have OCD.

  One of the news magazines (20/20, dateline, primetime?) did a show on OCD recently and there is a lot of help available now for that condition, both cognitive therapy and medications.  Here is one online group that I found for you that offers resources, doctors in your area,  but I'm sure there are others as well.  It turns out that it is a pretty common condition with 1 in 50 suffering from it, and one can be greatly helped if that is what they have.  There were a lot of young people on the show who had been cured with the help. There are also some good books on it that the show cited.

http://www.ocfoundation.org/what-is-ocd.html

God Bless...



Isaiah 40:31
But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.

[scotr]

Jude and All,

We go round and round before we make our decision as to which religion.  What's real?  What's fake?  How can we decide?

We make it much more complex than is necessary.  If God IS ... he's eternal and he is our creator and if he's worth worshiping he is LOVE.  So,  he would have reached out to mankind long long ago.  Thus we can eliminate any religion less than a few thousand years old.  That leaves two.  Judaism and Hinduism.  Pick one.  ( all the ancient now dead cults don't and can't be taken seriously )  A short examination will quickly show the first to be more sensible and beneficial.  Then the hardest part:  Is Jesus the Messiah and is Christianity God's true Word for man?  This DOES take some study.  Its worth it.

The case for Jesus being the Messiah is very well documented and the evidence is more than sufficient to convince anyone who honestly questions or really wants to know.  I suggest the books "Evidence That Demands a Verdict" by Josh McDowell for a good outline of the real solid evidence and Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis.  I also recommend "The Great Divorce" by Lewis and "Till We Have Faces".  These books will shift your worldly paradigm. 

[HeyJude]

I had a really, really weird "Aha!" moment just before, but I don't trust it. It feels different from when I "talk to myself," that being when I think things over and it's in my voice and extended in time. And I don't think a lot of people here are going to like it.

I got this impression, all at once, no words used, but if spoken it would be along the lines of "The churches as institutions are turning people away from God. The truth is not to be found in them or their dogma or their teachers. You can only really find the truth in yourself." And, "Do what I've told all of you in those Two Great Commandments back then, concentrate on doing them in the here and now, and TRUST IN GOD. It will be all right eventually. Don't concern yourself so much with the afterlife; you are MINE and I will not be angry with you forever for your imperfections. You will suffer, but you are Mine. Stop worrying so much about other people and religions; all people are Mine."

Honestly I don't trust this yet, much as I want to. It all came at once, and I got this impression of something utterly massive but literally forceless in its gentleness with me hitting directly into my brain. It all came at once, and the "voice" was much less human than the one I speak to myself in. And most of all it felt All-Right-At-Once. Couldn't this be the workings of a fevered mind, one so desperate to stop the nightmares that it invented a screen and threw it up?

The last sentence in what I felt seems a bit weird, but I was reading a book called, I think, A Thousand Glorious Suns earlier. It's a historical fiction novel about Afghanistan and its recent history, from the Soviet occupation to the present, told mostly from the point of view of women living in it. My heart just broke in me, because I seem recently to be extremely sensitive even compared to normal, and could imagine too well the horrors they went through. And I kept asking God "They're Muslims, it's true, but they couldn't possibly deserve eternal Hell for this. They never knew anything but Islam, they have been through horrible things, and done their absolute best in their own religion and culture. They're better than me, most of them." I got no answer then, but I think I may have now...?

So, I'm still nearly as insane as before, but feeling a little better. Hoping for more "Aha!" moments like that one, too.

Everyone, thank you so much for your support!

[Molly]

wow! :mshock:

:bgdance: :cloud9: :gangel: :icon_king: :bgdance:

[sparrow]

I got this impression, all at once, no words used, but if spoken it would be along the lines of "The churches as institutions are turning people away from God. The truth is not to be found in them or their dogma or their teachers. You can only really find the truth in yourself." And, "Do what I've told all of you in those Two Great Commandments back then, concentrate on doing them in the here and now, and TRUST IN GOD. It will be all right eventually. Don't concern yourself so much with the afterlife; you are MINE and I will not be angry with you forever for your imperfections. You will suffer, but you are Mine. Stop worrying so much about other people and religions; all people are Mine."

I feel our Father's love ALL OVER those words. Most definitely.
I know what you are saying is truth, because only a message like THAT could come from our Father.
It is absolute truth.  :HeartThrob:  :HeartThrob:  :HeartThrob:
How wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing that.
It's something that I needed to hear too, HeyJude.