English Anyone?

[FineLinen]

If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Pursue at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea or is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns > down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. 

Cheers

[hopeful]

Love it!

[adam]

LOL!!

This is about a liberal theologian who's English didnt go down as well as he thought...

The N'toto tribe had been Christians for many years when they were visited by a western theologian famours for his radical views. He was welcomed by the chief, who showed him round the tribal lands, talking in pidgin English and pointing out the enormous number of pigs, goats, chickens and other livestock the N'toto tribe possessed. Before he left, the theologian was invited to preach a sermon to the tribe, an invitation he accepted with some reservation due to the language barrier. The chief assured him that although many of the tribe could not speak English, they could understand it quite well, and there were enough of them to tell the rest the gist of what he was saying. So the theologian stood on a tree stump so that he could be seen and began his sermon.

'Christianity' he said 'is really only one of many tribal myths.'

'Kabola! Kabola!' came the enthusiastic response.

Encouraged, the theologian went on; 'As a matter of fact, it is doubtful whether the Resurrection even occurred as an historical event.'

'Kabola! Kabola!!' chanted the tribe.

The theologian was warmed by all this enthusiasm, and told the tribe, 'I'm really glad to have had the opportunity to speak to you today, as you understand so much better what I am trying to say than many in the West do. You see, God is really in all of us, and Jesus was just a good man who was a prime example of that!'

'KABOLA!! KABOLA!!!!' laughed and cheered the crowd.

The theologian went on to explain about the contradictions of the Bible, the unreliability of the Gospels, the impossibility of miracles and concluded his sermon by saying, 'It is doubtful whether God Himself, in the sense of the word, exists at all!'

'KABOLAAAA!!! KABOOLLLLAAAA!!!!'
came back the response, louder than ever.

The theologian stepped down from his platform on the tree stump, delighted that his sermon had gone down so well, and praised the understanding of the tribe to the chief.

The chief smiled. 'Thank you for that wonderful talk,' he said. ' Before you go, let me show you our large herd of cattle. But please be careful not to tread in the Kabola!'

[jenna]

Ha! "Kabola" indeed! :thumbsup:

[martincisneros]

And we wonder why we've got such bad English translations of the Bible in mainstream Christian bookstores?!  The English language is just a lazy language.  We'd rather have 3 words, that depending on the context, can mean 75 things, rather than to have to learn 75 words.

[Akira Takahashi]

As a lover of languages, I have to concur that English is, indeed, quite a lazy language.  However, it's not as vague as Japanese.  I'm in love with the Japanese culture and language, and I have to say that the grammar is unlike any other language I've studied, and it's even considered rude to be specific in many situations.  However, at least it comes much easier than English!

[WhiteWings]

I shed my clothes in the shed.

Bit off-topic:
We ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?

[joyful1]

:mshock:
Who wears the pants in your family?
Has the cat really taken your tongue?
Just HOW does one carry a tune in a bucket?
Does a stitch in time save nine?  
Are you worth your salt?
If people realized that silence is golden,
maybe they would stop breaking your ear drums.
Do you think that I am just pulling your leg?
And just exactly WHEN will hell freeze over?

[WhiteWings]

Dirty mind; Joyce forever!  :bgdance:

[WhiteWings]

And just exactly WHEN will hell freeze over?

That's an easy one Joyce! :pointlaugh:




Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

[martincisneros]

Who wears the pants in your family?

Everybody's got their pants on.  Next question...

Has the cat really taken your tongue?

My cat's not allowed near my shoes.  Keeps losing consciousness when he sticks his head inside of them.

Just HOW does one carry a tune in a bucket?

With a tuning fork.

Does a stitch in time save nine?

Depends on how big the butt is that's going to be bending over in those pants.  A stitch in time could save nine, or it could save 900 stitches later.  But if it's not in time, then we could have an avalanche of butt coming out the back of those pants as someone bends over, or in some other way makes the cloth dam give way.  As far as stitching time, that doesn't work too well without a massive colossal amount of energy.  Some people say that they were left in stitches after laughing too hard, so the stitch in time is probably never in time with those folks 'cause of a lack of Federal funding.

Are you worth your salt?

I'm worth my salt, my stevia, my pepper, my garlic powder, my onion powder, my mustard powder, my tarragon, my paprika, my rosemary, my dill, my parsley, my thyme, my celery powder, and my chili powder.  I was told one time, a long time ago, that I wasn't worth as much as some cocoa, but other than that...

If people realized that silence is golden,
maybe they would stop breaking your ear drums.

No, because they're trying to take all of the gold.  Duh!

Do you think that I am just pulling your leg?

No, if you're pulling the leg, then you're pulling the foot, the stomach, the ribcage, etc.

And just exactly WHEN will hell freeze over?

Just depends on how much religious hot air keeps getting pumped into it by many of the preachers.  When that stops, then we can get more accurate measurements and figure out when all of the heat will have radiated out, and then we can calculate an approximate time for it to freeze.  Are we talking 32 degrees or absolute cold??  Because that would matter as well, on being able to give you an idea of when.




I had to tone this down a bit on an edit 'cause it was a bit much.  I haven't had many outlets for my brand of humor this month.

[martincisneros]

If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius!

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. Pursue at your leisure, English lovers. Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France (Surprise!). Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea or is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns > down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. 

Cheers

No wonder people are confused by what I say.  It's in Inglish... :doh:  Maybe if I tried speaking in Ing instead?  Or is that Eng? :Chinscratch: