Daily Giggles

[FineLinen]

Changing Attitudes

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm's and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Stop The World!

HERE

[FineLinen]

Ninety-Nine Cents Per Word

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.

In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her the word "comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

[FineLinen]

We Are Officially Declaring War On You

Jacques Chirac, the French Prime Minister, was sitting in his office wondering what kind of mischief he could perpetrate against the United States when his telephone rang.

Hallo, Mr. Chirac!, a heavily accented voice said. This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!

Well, Paddy, Chirac replied, This is indeed important news! How big is your army?

Right now, said Paddy, after a moment's calculation there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!

Chirac paused. I must tell you, Paddy that I have one hundred thousand men in my army waiting to move on my command.

Begorra! said Paddy. I'll have to ring you back!

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!

And what equipment would that be, Paddy? Chirac asked.

Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.

Chirac sighed, amused. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks, 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to one hundred fifty thousand since we last spoke.

Saints preserve us! said Paddy. I'll have to get back to you.

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to two hundred thousand!

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! said Paddy, I'll have to ring you back.

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war.

I'm sorry to hear that, said Chirac. Why the sudden change of heart?

Well, said Paddy, we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two hundred thousand prisoners.

[martincisneros]

• So, the parrot quit cussing, cold turkey...
  
  
• Thankfully, blondeness only traumatizes the female brain...
  
  
• And I guess red-heads don't fair much better than blondes, particularly after a few pints:
  
  Pssst... If you take 200,000 prisoners, you can afford to feed them by selling all of their stuff.  It wouldn't take Jesus, Mary, and Joseph to feed them.  Or you could simply give the 200,000 prisoners all of the beer in Ireland that's produced in one day -- after everybody's hoarded a one day supply, that is -- and then just let the 200,000 prisoners die of liver failure.