in my almost 7 month battle with faith I lost alot of motivation I had for spiritual things and just life in general. hence the prayer that started this journey (of where I found out what universalism was soon after) that God would "give me the faith I used to have so I could do his will again and live and tell others about him like I used to".
Ive expessed on these boards before about the trials i faced afterward but this whole year of school has just been hard and really just everything because its like I have no motivation. Recently though it was like I started to regain some of it...i started a blog talking about spitual things, i started praying alot more again and seeking God in everyday life as I finally accepted the title "christian/ slightly unconvinced universalist".
but it seems just as easily as i get back in the game im knocked right back aside and I feel like ive changed so much as a person (in some ways good, in other ways not) that I just...dont even feel like trying anymore. I was thinking alot about universalism today and some differnt things and it really hit me like a wave from God (which any thing i hear/feel from God these days is rare) that he has been trying to grow my heart for people in all these sorts of ways...being able to level with them and see their arguments and see them as more than just "hell bound sinners that 'reject' God".
I feel like God is guiding me towards this greater purpose but i feel like im failing so much more than before along the way...for a bit there I felt like everyday I was being dragged down to being a complete agnostic and wanting to just die because i was so tired of everyone in my life leaving me and my faith just not making sense to me anymore. and the last thing i didnt expect when I came back into the realm of spirtual discussions and what not is how many christians would be against me and insist that their prefered "doctrine" was the correct one in every way. I dont expect everyone to agree with me but when your trying to come back to God and do his will the last thing you expect is christians standing in your way.its just hard to get that passion back and then keep it in the face of adversity.
i dont even know what im trying to say here...but yeah
I had such an explosive change when the Holy Spirit manifested God to me. It lasted for 5 to 7 years. Then it seemed what I'd been delivered from, all my old self, was present more than before and God was where? I believed in what I now no longer could access; but, my life seemed in so much contrary to what I thought the will of God was. Like Israel of old, He left the carcases of a generation (of me) that displeased Him in the wasteland. I went through years of desert with only an occasional oasis of His word, His revealed presence. I thought I was very abnormal though it is a dealing common to man.
It has to do with a change from coming out to going in. It was His way to change me from self centeredness to being centered on Him.
(Sorry, it is too late at night for me and I have to discontinue what I feel is only introduced.)
your brother, James