I've posted on this forum a bit in the past, and I always love the discussions that ensue!
I don't know where to begin but I need help badly. It makes me feel all the more desperate that I'm reaching out the only way I know how--an internet forum.
In 10 years, my life has gone from the biggest highs to the biggest lows. I'm 24 now, and the first 14 years were a lot easier.
When I was 14 years old, I had my first hit of marijuana. I also had my first anxiety attack and my first phase of major depression. These continued on for years. By the time I was 16 or 17 I was a complete emotional wreck. I knew I was in active disobedience to God. Conventional bible-logic would have said my conscience should have been seared or something, but I didn't feel numb to my sin at all, I felt very aware of it all. Well to make a long story short, my excessive misbehavior in the area of drugs, alcohol, pride, lies, and lust finally caught up to me. I fell on my knees, asked forgiveness and moved on.
My life instantly changed for the better. I put away all my old practices and started doing good, and I felt good. Over the next few years my relationships with people improved, my self-esteem improved, basically everything improved. There was no down side to knowing God.
And then two years ago it's like the well suddenly dried up. I have no real feeling of connection to God, no feeling of blessing, just the ever-present feeling of apathy in general towards the Christian faith. The amazing part is I know God is the one who healed me of my past, and yet having faith that it even happened is hard. My troubled past feels like a distant memory from another lifetime that doesn't involve me.
Doing good isn't enough anymore. Doing good has become a habit. It's too easy. Avoiding lust used to be a day in day out battle. Now it's something that is shoo'd away with a little prayer and some mental self-denial. It's automatic and robotic. There's no joy to it anymore because frankly there's no heroic feats of effort involved. It used to be if I had a major battle with lust I would feel good about it at the end of the day. Now when I go to bed the only thing I have to feel good about is that I went to my job, did honest work, and didn't stir the pot too much, and kept from being an COMPLETE jerk to my wife.
Is this it? Is this what I'm meant to live for? I have more things going for me than I ever have, and yet I've never been more depressed.
1) I'm very happily married.
2) I can talk to people without becoming a social anxiety wreck.
3) I don't get panic attacks anymore.
4) While I still have depression, it's more chemical now than emotional and can be treated with therapy.
5) I have better relationships with everyone in my family, including my brother and my dad who I never got along with.
6) I have more desire and drive to pursue a career than ever before. I feel alive and purposeful about my work as a man.
All of these things happened from knowing God!
I could go on, but there's no need to. My life has basically everything that I ever thought I needed or wanted, and yet I've never felt more empty. Day in and day out I slave on, there is a feeling of purposelessness.
I have to keep studying new things to meet an emotional need. I love reading about paranormal things because it makes my heart jump, my adrenaline rush, and makes me feel alive. Reading the Bible doesn't do that for me anymore. Instead I feel like it takes hours of concentration just to apply one passage from scripture, and even at that I do miserable.
Lately I've been looking into astral projection, and that's how I know I'm desperate. I never before would have even thought about doing something so closely tied to the occult. But it sounds fun. Maybe if I could move myself out of my body and talk to an angel or Jesus I could find out what I'm missing. I don't know. I'm very aware of the risks involved in astral projection and I know that more likely than not you will meet a lying/deceiving spirit which is why I don't do it. But it still sounds tempting.
To anyone who's read this far, I'm sorry if this sounds like a pity party. I don't mean it to, I'm just trying to reach out to people, whoever I can. I need to talk to someone I feel like I haven't had a real conversation with a Christian in so long.
What is the point of life anyway? After you've stopped all your bad habits, know the Bible, pray daily, and have a 9-5 job, then what? It doesn't feel like enough for me. I've always wanted to be ultimately fulfilled in ultimately knowing God, like that Jon Piper quote that everyone says from Desiring God, but it sounds easier than it is, right?
Thanks for any responses.
I can sort of relate to everything you said. Two or three years ago now something like blinders fell off right at the time I had committed myself to obeying Yahweh and ridding myself of all my secrets and hang ups. So I do know how you feel about it being easy to obey Yahweh. I still slip up sometimes and it actually surprises me when I do. All I can say is keep trying to perfect it. The fact that it is impossible to become perfect in this life keeps you pushing for more. Don't tell me that you can't work on parts of your life that are already perfect cause your not and neither am I but we have to push for more. The challenge in this is hard work but just know Yahweh.
DuWayne
Sent you a pm. Just my :2c:. :HeartThrob: :HeartThrob:
Captain, if it is any consolation; I have been where you now are. I was living life high and everything was going well and just like you, it all dried up. Oh, I was still living well, but there was no point to anything. I felt totally devoid of Fathers Love, though that wasn't even true, because I knew I was loved. I just felt like I was in a wasteland devoid of any emotion.
Even the shooting of those children at Sandy Hook Elementary School did not even phase me. Why should it? All are saved by Father, not one is lost. I tried to feel sorry for the parents but failed even in that. Father has the parents where they are for a reason, right?
It sucked, it was pointless. I got it.
For several months this continued. Then one day, my life changed for the better. I had forgotten Love, something Father had told me not to do. Father filled my life with Love and I knew my purpose, and that was to LOVE 24/7. To give away Love as it was not mine to hold.
This is my story. I believe Father has you in much the same place. Gosh I wish I could tell you what to do to give your life proper meaning that would work right now, but all I can say is to hang on and keep doing what you are doing. Father hasn't left you and I am sure He will give your life the meaning you desire.
Just know that you are a good man. I could care less about the mistakes made in the past. Father cares even less. Just be ever grateful for everything good Father has brought into your life, I am sure there are many more good things to come.
Love Julie :HeartThrob:
Captain,
It is not in the good times that we learn the most, but it's when the floor falls out from beneath our feet. When you pray, ask God what he is dealing to in your life right now and ask him to reveal how it entered your life. The walk is meant to kill us and make us like Christ. He loves us and chastises us. If you don't take this opportunity to learn what is going on then you are bound to repeat it over and over again.
Not a pleasant thought I am sure. The word says he will NEVER leave you, so your feelings are no true indication of your state in God.
Please be active in your walk. It is happening to you for a reason and that reason is between your heavenly Father and yourself.
Take heart my friend.
:friendstu:
Hi Cap
We cannot obey the scriptures, the Lord uses them to change our hearts. He works with our will by His wll. Basically, He empowers us to obey Him. If I told you what the Lord has done in my life, I would have to credit it ALL to Him. He lets us fail so we can see how dependent we are on Him.
My story is very very similar to yours but something I am learning lately is not to trust my feelings, but rather, my faith. The things the Lord has told me never die, no matter how I feel. They are timeless, powerful and alive.
Like the tree, in my walk, I have had times when I have blossomed for God, and then times when I am bare and have the appearance of being dead. Then another season of fruitfulness comes and I find I have grown and can bear more fruit than before!
You see Cap, there has to be a death before there can be a resurrection and the Lord is the Author of it all. The tree illustrates this very well. Go look at some trees!
Hang in there Amigo
Cameron. :gimmefive:
Quote from: Captain.Theophilus on September 27, 2013, 04:21:19 AM
I've posted on this forum a bit in the past, and I always love the discussions that ensue!
I don't know where to begin but I need help badly...
...I've always wanted to be ultimately fulfilled in ultimately knowing God, like that Jon Piper quote that everyone says from Desiring God, but it sounds easier than it is, right?
Thanks for any responses.
hi! :hiya:
My :2c: besides saying I felt pretty much like this "need help badly" just this morning!
(I mentioned it in a post called "am I a moron?") I have experienced over and over in my life that I die without quiet refreshing times with my Lord. And let me say, I am, a moron! I have like almost no self discipline! On matters of the spirit.. For instance,
Almost 20 years ago, sitting under some plum trees which were covered with grape vines.. all in fruit.. (during the blessed years of my being a semi-hermit:)
- it was a sunny and warm day around the time of "Tabernacles" I've always thought.. The Spirit of the Lord seemed to show me, for healing (from debilitating childhood abuses) required eXtra quiet times with the Lord.. It seemed to me He was giving me a schedule, a prescription.. three times a day - "evening, noon and morning" as the Psalmist puts it.. "you will hear my voice/prayer.."
This 3 times a day within the framework of the four seasons.. and unfolding in my mind's eye was four gospel records coinciding with four seasons..
and the Psalms,
from which so many of us have gotten such comfort and enrichment from, divide up according to months, 1-20 ='s January; 20's = february; 30's = march; etc, until december ='s 120 - 150, which are shorter psalms...
Next unfolded the idea of reading the rest of the New Testament in the order believed to be written.. Acts to Revelation.. hmmmm, coincidentally interesting that verse Acts 1 mentions "
Theophilus" as being the one this letter/account was written to!
I absolutely LOVE reading the Bible in that order! The order written!!
Brings it so alive.. the people of the New Testament are our people! That world is a real world. A part of our world. A part of us.
I'll put a link to my schedule at the bottom of this comment, though I think my time is off (and maybe I'll change it right now!) concerning 2 Corinthians and Romans, with 2 Corinthians being written before Romans, I recently discovered..
Note, Paul's mention of signing one of his letters with his large (clumsy) signature? Meaning to me his letters were intimately written by him, not with his hand, but by Mark, likely (John Mark) as Paul dictated them..
I realize my 'schedule' should NOT be a thing of "works" but I HAVE tried, or wanted to steer myself in that direction.. three times a day, to take time out, for refreshing via Jesus and the Spirit (/Presence?) of God. I do good with the morning one, used to be very long hermit time) but to establish short quiet times later for after noon and evening? Well, it's been twenty years if not more!! and I'm no more successful at it now than then.
And now, at a time in life when I could use MORE quiet time WITH the Lord, my responsibilities have exploded, and my quiet times are majorly squeezed out!
But, I guess that's all part of the persecutions (spiritual) affliction and tribulations of this present age..
This morning I thought 'I hate that dog!" (poor good spirited, aLways hungry, Roscoe) that made me pause.. haTe? Last I knew "hate" is NOT a fruit of the Spirit!!! So all of a sudden I actually found myself questioning my salvation, as I am, far from flawless and indeed, the more I travel on, the more glaring my faults! I have thought bitter thoughts before, this 'I hate that dog!' has been a seed, a plant, and I've watered it!
O brother! who will save me from this body of death??!! (Jesus also taught me to put a time limit on any negative thinking and replace each negative thought with a positive one!! er, I guess I've forgotten that.)
I'm done rambling on and babbling for now.. I'm just thinking, and always think,
peace (which springs up into joy) and fresh revelation/understandings, come through time spent with HIM.
But all things conspire to keep us away from that!!!!!! Then things become
dry.. the sap/life/His Spirit quits running.. we feel like a branch only good to be gathered to be burned..
I remember thinking years ago, and I think I should be repeating this action (regularly).. that when we are feeling poorly, is
exactly, THE best time(s) to yield, yield, yield, unto Him.. and when we get to the floor of our 'being'?? Time to start pulling up floor boards..
To me, these two things are KEY. [Would work well, 'the schedule' and 'the floorboards' for instance (and nature! nature's healing and His Presence always there!) for those who have been wounded by life, and I guess that's all of us!!]
(my schedule/order, hopefully mostly accurate, the books of the Bible were written, in case any one is interested:
http://inner-monastery.blogspot.com/p/daily.html (http://inner-monastery.blogspot.com/p/daily.html)
(you have to scroll down two short paragraphs to get to the blurb of the blog)
trying to stay on :cloud9: and away from :eek: :Oops: :BangHead: :Gtantrum: and :Mcry:
:Peace2: :girlheart: , sister, glenda marie
Quote from: Captain.Theophilus on September 27, 2013, 04:21:19 AM
I've posted on this forum a bit in the past, and I always love the discussions that ensue!
I don't know where to begin but I need help badly. It makes me feel all the more desperate that I'm reaching out the only way I know how--an internet forum.
In 10 years, my life has gone from the biggest highs to the biggest lows. I'm 24 now, and the first 14 years were a lot easier.
When I was 14 years old, I had my first hit of marijuana. I also had my first anxiety attack and my first phase of major depression. These continued on for years. By the time I was 16 or 17 I was a complete emotional wreck. I knew I was in active disobedience to God. Conventional bible-logic would have said my conscience should have been seared or something, but I didn't feel numb to my sin at all, I felt very aware of it all. Well to make a long story short, my excessive misbehavior in the area of drugs, alcohol, pride, lies, and lust finally caught up to me. I fell on my knees, asked forgiveness and moved on.
My life instantly changed for the better. I put away all my old practices and started doing good, and I felt good. Over the next few years my relationships with people improved, my self-esteem improved, basically everything improved. There was no down side to knowing God.
And then two years ago it's like the well suddenly dried up. I have no real feeling of connection to God, no feeling of blessing, just the ever-present feeling of apathy in general towards the Christian faith. The amazing part is I know God is the one who healed me of my past, and yet having faith that it even happened is hard. My troubled past feels like a distant memory from another lifetime that doesn't involve me.
Doing good isn't enough anymore. Doing good has become a habit. It's too easy. Avoiding lust used to be a day in day out battle. Now it's something that is shoo'd away with a little prayer and some mental self-denial. It's automatic and robotic. There's no joy to it anymore because frankly there's no heroic feats of effort involved. It used to be if I had a major battle with lust I would feel good about it at the end of the day. Now when I go to bed the only thing I have to feel good about is that I went to my job, did honest work, and didn't stir the pot too much, and kept from being an COMPLETE jerk to my wife.
Is this it? Is this what I'm meant to live for? I have more things going for me than I ever have, and yet I've never been more depressed.
1) I'm very happily married.
2) I can talk to people without becoming a social anxiety wreck.
3) I don't get panic attacks anymore.
4) While I still have depression, it's more chemical now than emotional and can be treated with therapy.
5) I have better relationships with everyone in my family, including my brother and my dad who I never got along with.
6) I have more desire and drive to pursue a career than ever before. I feel alive and purposeful about my work as a man.
All of these things happened from knowing God!
I could go on, but there's no need to. My life has basically everything that I ever thought I needed or wanted, and yet I've never felt more empty. Day in and day out I slave on, there is a feeling of purposelessness.
I have to keep studying new things to meet an emotional need. I love reading about paranormal things because it makes my heart jump, my adrenaline rush, and makes me feel alive. Reading the Bible doesn't do that for me anymore. Instead I feel like it takes hours of concentration just to apply one passage from scripture, and even at that I do miserable.
Lately I've been looking into astral projection, and that's how I know I'm desperate. I never before would have even thought about doing something so closely tied to the occult. But it sounds fun. Maybe if I could move myself out of my body and talk to an angel or Jesus I could find out what I'm missing. I don't know. I'm very aware of the risks involved in astral projection and I know that more likely than not you will meet a lying/deceiving spirit which is why I don't do it. But it still sounds tempting.
To anyone who's read this far, I'm sorry if this sounds like a pity party. I don't mean it to, I'm just trying to reach out to people, whoever I can. I need to talk to someone I feel like I haven't had a real conversation with a Christian in so long.
What is the point of life anyway? After you've stopped all your bad habits, know the Bible, pray daily, and have a 9-5 job, then what? It doesn't feel like enough for me. I've always wanted to be ultimately fulfilled in ultimately knowing God, like that Jon Piper quote that everyone says from Desiring God, but it sounds easier than it is, right?
Thanks for any responses.
When I left the church many years ago because I knew something wasn't right, I sought the truth in psychedelic drugs and Eastern philosophies. Eventually I realized these were deceptive diversionary tactics of the Adversary. Now I think it's a blessing just to have a peaceful life, and I'm content with the knowledge that God is operating all according to his will with the ultimate goal of the reconciliation of all on earth and in the heavens so that God may be all in all.
Our faith in God does not depend on "feeling."
"by faith are we walking, not by perception" (2 Corinthians 5:7)
Learn to be content or you will lose some blessing to help you appreciate it.
"I learned to be content in that in which I am." (Philippians 4:11)
You're dropping your guard against the powers of darkness.
Your "adrenaline rush" from the "paranormal" is not a good thing.
It is this diversion that is fueling your discontent with the blessings God has given you and pulling you toward the Adversary.
"11 Put on the panoply of God, to enable you to stand up to the stratagems of the Adversary,
12 for it is not ours to wrestle with blood and flesh, but with the sovereignties, with the authorities, with the world-mights of this darkness, with the spiritual forces of wickedness among the celestials.
13 Therefore take up the panoply of God that you may be enabled to withstand in the wicked day, and having effected all, to stand.
14 Stand, then, girded about your loins with truth, with the cuirass of righteousness put on,
15 and your feet sandaled with the readiness of the evangel of peace;
16 with all taking up the large shield of faith, by which you will be able to extinguish all the fiery arrows of the wicked one.
17 And receive the helmet of salvation and the sword of the spirit, which is a declaration of God." (Ephesians 6:11-17)
"the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, meekness, self-control" (Galatians 5:22,23)
http://concordant.org/expohtml/TheProblemOfEvil/evil030.html
I'm 24 now, and the first 14 years were a lot easier.
Hang out with 14 year olds.
some chemical medsfor depression have sideeffects..that can effect yourmood the way you
desribe this. Boredom andpeace are notthe samething...with peace there is 'contentment'
Recognizing your lack of contentment..shows insght onyour part....
evrything on your list speaksof the physical man's needs being met..it is the spiritual man
newcreature inChrist need's that re unfulfilled andleading to your feelings of discontent.
the spiritualman need's be renewed day byday.......Pray God to strengthen quicken
your spiritualman..andready itfor service..forthe harvest is great nd the workers befew
Matt 20;6 about the 11th hour he went out andfound stillothers standing around...
He asked them...'why6 have you been standing here all day long doingnothing?
Because no-one has hired us,they said. He said tothem..'you also go and work in my vineyard."
Go..pray and askHim..if there be anything He would have ye do..as a reasonable service
untoHim. If it be something little or something much.