Dealing with betrayal

[martincisneros]

Any Scriptural thoughts on dealing with betrayal when you know that it was God that put you into a situation, and though it goes deeply ugly on an emotional level, how do you deal with the issue of God neither letting you be cut loose from the situation nor allowing you to cut yourself loose from the situation, but you're sorta there left to squirm?

I'm really thinking about other folks, who have experienced this whether or not they've put that particular "b-word" to it or not.  Although, as a part of His plan, I've dealt with much more than my fair share of this over the last couple of years.  I've lived soooo long, though, to where I sorta expect everybody to be that way.  I don't expect integrity, fidelity, and pressing into the plan of God from others on the level that I'm always there.

But I don't want to pull anybody else down to my level of expecting to always be Superman [slaving away] while always expecting everyone else to be Lex Luther, Doomsday, etc.  For one thing, when it comes to other people, I have a tendency to take what they've said with a grain of salt; if they meant it, then they'll be there; it'll be there, et. al.  And I'm genuinely deeply startled if anybody's ever, ever in my life more than 6 months.

I genuinely wouldn't know how to have high expectations of another human being at gun point.  God's said this and that at times to indicate the short-term and long-term with various individuals and that's been my only way of knowing whether or not I'd see someone the following day even.  So, needless to say, I don't place my expectations of others on the kind of pedestal that I've got mine of myself on.  I expect for every single Word from God to me to come to pass, about myself and about others.  That's where my expectations are at.

I'm not emotionally invested in other people as a result.  I've never had a friendship to last over 50 months.  I've got a ton of acquaintances that I've known for years, but usually the quickest way to get someone out of my life is to start getting a closer friendship with them.  Something will come up.  Never fails.  And somehow, for some reason, they're gone from my life onto some other continent, they're dead, etc.

I walk in all of the fruit of the Spirit according to every line of the New Testament.  I walk in New Testament honor, generocity, patience in tribulation, etc., etc., etc., and I'm never without my joy, strength, endurance, fruitfulness, etc.  But folks come and they go.  Betrayals for me are a dime a dozen.  But for other people, for someone to put the distance on, to take a step back, to wander in their interests, priorities, etc., etc. and they're devastated to the very core of their being.

I don't deal with the bitterness, anger, possessiveness, longing, yearning, carnal ambitions, carnal expectations, concerns for carnal reputations, depths of disappointments, etc., that others deal with.  But for others, betrayal actually ruins their whole day, causes them to actually entertain thoughts and plans of evil and revenge, etc.  I see the sincerest Christians, or what I thought were the sincerest Christians, suddenly start to show their true colors with the least little betrayal.

How do we minister to Christians whose whole lives have seemingly been ruined by betrayal, when telling them to drop it and let it go seems to do so little for them?  How do we help people for whom a healthy disconnect from others doesn't seem to be likely for them?  How do we help people that are at the point of slicing their wrists over someone that supposedly has less character than they do?  How do we get them to take a step back, preoccupy themselves with the things of God, and to realize that, apart from a genuine moment of truth and a season [or several seasons] of a total redefinition of themselves, people are just going to be people and much more drama than anyone with a pure heart deserves??  How do we get them to take a sip of water, go to the restroom, and to let it last no longer than it takes for them to relieve themselves??

How do we get them to begin to associate ultimate pleasure with letting it go and unending torment with not letting it go?  (How do we get them to begin to associate ultimate pleasure with the promises of God and unending torment with pursuing their own interests outside of the Word of the Lord?)  Rather than to indulge themselves in self torment, thinking on some subliminal level that if they torment themselves over it long enough then so and so will come back to them, apologize to them, make it right, etc., when apart from a road to Damascus experience then it's probably never going to happen in this eon.

How do we get people to say to themselves with total confidence and finality in the matter: "okay, I'm still special in the eyes of God, in His plan, in His heart, and none of the rest of this matters because my life is hid with Christ in God and they're not going to have a revelation of who I am until they have a growing revelation of who He is!!"???  How do we get people to deal with betrayal on the same level as they'd deal with having accidentally gotten mud on their shoes?  No one else should have to ever view this as a fatal blow that they've received, but obviously it begins with their perspective going into whatever life throws at them rather than trying to decide how to act, think, feel, etc., when they're faced with something right then!  How do we deal with the burning fields and burning buildings of betrayal?  What are our escape routes??  How do people save themselves from this wicked generation where this is concerned?

[martincisneros]

Seriously, I've seen Christians to the point of wanting to commit murder over what from a spiritual perspective is the stupidest stuff!  What's our emergency kit for dealing with folks where they're about to smoulder again with what has or is about to happen to them???

[aspiring son]

Martin,

They are looking at the wrong things. I have experianced this like everyone else at some point in our lives. It hurts. There's no denying that. But the underlining message is simple. Do not put the source of your trust in man. You will be dissapointed. Friends are flawed just as we are. Family is flawed just as we are. When it's family, you could be dealing with it for years. Trust in God, and God alone. These situations will always bring some hurt and pain, there's no way around it. But trust in God brings forgiveness and endurance and peace.

Grace and peace

[chuckt]

Col 3:13 Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also [do] ye.

2Ti 2:25 In meekness instructing those that oppose themselves; if God peradventure will give them repentance to the acknowledging of the truth;

Mat 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;



seems the more in do these things the less i have to do them  :dontknow:


peace
chuckt

[Paul Hazelwood]

I am not sure I have a lot of advice in this area that can help.  I have dealt with betrayal all my life and it is betrayal that is not only about religion.

When I was in grade school I was pulled into a group of kids and felt I belonged somewhere, but then was set up,  as I was given a bag of chips to eat and once I ate them then they wanted me to pay for them and I didn't have any money so they just beat me up.

Had many experiences like that when I was a kid.  Later in life I realized the same pattern was happening even within the religious structure we are all told is supposed to be so safe.  (who ever come up with that crap?)

The same pattern is still there, I get accepted into a group and eat what they have to offer, but then when it the price they want me to pay, rather than money it is loyalty to their way of thinking. When I cannot pay then they beat me to a pulp emotionally in various ways.

Now I am on a different path and I am not sure how I will fair with friends, it is too early to tell, I have some up and coming friendships and I honestly am trying my best to just take each day for what it is, try to be encouraging and loving to my friends and expect very little.   It's not real easy, because I believe true frienships are not one sided, but those two sides do not have to be equal either.

So maybe in a year or so I will have more to say concerning individual friendships, but I think groups is more along the lines of what I have struggled with over the years.   But, the group aspect of things is what has helped me to seek individual friends and look for their strengths and expect no loyalty in the respect that I do not need their loyalty in the first place.

I do not want to set myself or them up for failure by having an expectation that I do not talk to them about.   Recently I saw myself going down that same road after not hearing from a friend for a period of time, I felt slighted, but then I realized it was them I was relying on for some emotional boost when I needed one.

In that instance I realized my expectation set us both up for a failure of friendship.   I suppose things are not that simple,  I guess if someone calls us a dear friend we might think they should do more than they do.

But I awoke and am going to try extra hard to just enjoy any moment with a friend even if they are few and far between and if I do not hear from them I will continue to encourage whether I get anything back or not.   It's what I have to work very hard on to achieve and I hope I am successful.

[chuckt]

seems like  betrayal  teaches us not to put our trust in mankind. or should at least.





chuckt

[Cardinal]

 :cloud9: Martin, what freed me of expectations concerning others, was when the Lord made it life in me that ALL men seek after their own things, and not the things which be of Christ. It gave me a concrete, NON-PERSONAL reason for why they do the things they do; they can't help it they were formed that way, so it makes it easier for me to accept it and move on, because it's part of what we were lowered into, ie. God did it, so who am I to complain? That's the way I look at it.

The only way out of it (for all of us) is to know and walk with Christ, and constantly examine the motives of our hearts and if it doesn't line up, pray and ask Him to make it line up. Problem is, not many Christians have been taught to do that, and so the lowest common denominator usually wins out. I've been betrayed much more by Christian brethren than non-Christian.

I'm currently going through this same thing, trying to get this to sink into my daughter, so she makes better choices in her life than she has so far. At this point, I don't know how much of it she's received. Blessings.....

[Molly]

There is nothing more painful than betrayal.  The only comfort for me is knowing that God eventually makes all things right for those who love him and are called according to his purpose. 

And, that Jesus himself was not spared this great pain of being turned on by those you love.



6And one shall say unto him, What are these wounds in thine hands? Then he shall answer, Those with which I was wounded in the house of my friends.

--Zech 13

[martincisneros]

Thanks for your responses, and hopefully there will be quite a few more.  If not, I understand how delicate of a subject that this is and some folks are still working through their own situations, who to shoot over what's happened in their lives, etc. :icon_jokercolor:

I was talking with someone on Skype the other day and this subject came up with what they'd been going through.  And I was a little at a loss for words, because although I'd experienced much the same thing all of my life that seemed to be a recent occurence for them, I genuinely couldn't relate to being that bent out of shape over it, that angry, that furious, that almost ready to kill, etc.  And they're an ordained minister of the Gospel.

They have an idea of how/where to access all that I currently have online about keeping one's cares cast upon the Lord, keeping every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, etc.  But while they're drowning in it, I felt like they needed someone to listen more than to be a know-it-all with the ready resources, internet links, etc.  So, what I shared was minimal.  I mainly just expressed that I was hearing them out, that I am there for them, etc.

[fire walker]

I suppose it could be said that betrayal is a trespass, certainly we hear a lot more discussion on the subject of sin than we ever do about trespass.

How does one measure a trespass? someone could do something to me that might hurt yet do it unknowingly or without intent to hurt, yet they may have did it with malice, either way it is going to hurt us, we suffer in this life and scripture makes it plain as it points out that truth.
Also I have done things that have hurt others, not with the intent of hurting them
or for personal gain. Even so we find we have some things we would do that we don't do and the things we wouldn't do we do because it isn't us any longer but the sin that dwells in us,  just as Paul said many hundreds of years ago. As Chuckt has pointed out in an earlier reply: in Col 3:13 we see the need for forbearance with these things as grevious as some things may be and as irkingly slow as relief or rest may be in coming in a situation like this what other choice is there other than going back into the flesh recompensing evil for evil which never brings any peace or rest and profits absolutely nothing?

Peace,
Fire Walker

[Nancy]

Hi there Martin,

It's funny, I was thinking about the subject of feeling that people let you down today, even when they don't do it deliberately but it is just your needs that haven't been met.

Let me explain.

I have always been a 'needy' person.  I have always found it hard to make friends with women but not men.  I think it's because I could get what I wanted from men but not from women.

When I was a baby, I was pushed from carer to carer (often not qualified but women who happened to lodge)  and I feel that this damaged me psychologically, always feeling that women were within reach but not really bothered about me. This has left me with an empty feeling of never feeling emotionally satisfied by a friendship. 
My husband is wonderful and I thank God for him although I feel guilty feeling that God will take him away from me if I show too much joy!!!

I have a dear friend who I regularly see who is as damaged as me, so we get on fine!!!!  I feel strained sometimes because I am aware of how needy I am.

And as you said the thing that frightens people is when you try to get close.

I'm used to being betrayed though as at school I had one friend who got tired of my 'needs' I think and I was continually bullied by others.  I haven't seemed to have lost hope though!

I have to leave it all in Gods' hands.

Godbless
Nancy

[Taffy]

Martin, :icon_flower:
Come to a similar conclusion a while back to what Card mentioned...To betray and be betrayed, Its a Part of Life,of course we only tend to remember the times WHEN we were  betrayed...Because for sure ,THERES never been a TIME we havent done like wise either...as I hang my head in Shame,as I look back.Its part of growing UP ,which of course doesnt mean others will not still betray us Anyway


Thanks for sharing yours PH, For sure-  could share a Book full of mine too...


but theres No getting away from What Card mentioned...It aint personal,

:icon_flower: