New member from Sacramento, Ca.

[Little one]

Hi Everyone,

I've spent the last couple of days browsing the few areas of this forum that I was allowed to view as a guest and have been impressed by how you all relate to each other and more importantly how you respond to those who don't necessarily share your views. I can hardly stomach most Christian forums anymore because it always seems as if there are those there trying to convince (force) others to accept their "truth" or burn in hell for all eternity. While I have been an Internet user for many years, I have only posted on a forum once before this and it wasn't a Christian forum. However, here I feel comfortable doing so ( it's as if I'm among friends).

I'll share a little background so you know a bit about me.

I grew up in a family who attended a Baptist Church sporadically, but I knew who Jesus is and responded to an alter call when I was about 8 years old. All I had ever heard from the pulpit was that once we are saved (ask Jesus into our hearts) there is no way we could lose our salvation and I believed that was what was taught by all churches until I was about 17 years old. I had never really read the bible for myself or prayed much even though I thought God was pretty cool. At 17 years old I met a Jehovah's Witness in one of my classes and we began to debate our different faiths (in a good natured way). She would ask me questions (which were baited to trip me up) and off I would go to find her an answer. As I read my Bible "with my natural eyes" I began to discover that some of what she said was true. Then she said that Jesus wasn't God and that we aren't necessarily saved by saying a prayer. With help from a good structured Bible study I was able to prove to myself that Jesus was indeed God (even using the Watch Tower bible), however I found references regarding salvation that shook me to the core. I won't go into all the reasons why (to keep this from being a book) but I was convinced,due to a personal circumstance, that I was going to Hell. I can't describe the terror of it, but anyone with an imagination can surely understand. So began my lifelong search for another answer. While the fear of  going to Hell forever did not necessarily drive me to run from God in my heart, I did have a hard time staying in any church for long. (I guess there must be a little "truth" in there buried somewhere). Confusion reigned in my mind as I learned that there were many doctrines and differing views of salvation. I had so often heard that "the Truth will make you free" but my life was in bondage to the fear that I couldn't figure out what the Truth was. Once you have a core belief shaken it is very difficult to believe anything with the same confidence. Then throw in a few scriptures about people believing a lie or the "great falling away" and you get someone like me who can't seem to have faith that any thing is "True" for certain. That lead to me into trying to prove (to myself) that I was a Christian by doing all the things I should be doing which lead me of course into greater bondage since we can't do it ourselves. I sound like a complete mess, don't I? Yet, all through the years, one thing has taken root in my heart and actually grown there....who Jesus was (and is). I am drawn to the stories of Him hanging out with the outcasts and the forgotten. Those types of people, written off by the religious leaders of that day, were seeking Him out. Those were the kinds of people who believed in Him and that is the kind of person I am according to the religious leaders of these times. This is the Jesus I fell in love with and yet other parts of the Bible still terrified me. One night, in the midst of a particularly bad episode I had an experience that has sustained me in my search for what's real.... I was alone at home, again trying fruitlessly to sort out in my mind what to believe. Nothing really made sense to me... If faith was supposed to change me into someone pleasing to God then why wasn't I changed. Maybe I didn't have "saving faith" but only "intellectual faith". What was the difference and how do I change it if I didn't know what it was. I knew God wouldn't violate my free will (a belief I no longer hold by the way) so I prayed many times that He do with me whatever terrible thing He needed to do to change me. Maybe there was something hidden in my heart that didn't truly want God and I just didn't know what it was. I was sobbing out loud to God that I didn't understand. I kept crying it out over and over again. Then I heard a voice that said to me "lean not on your own understanding". It wasn't really audible but yet it was. It wasn't a scripture I knew, but I knew somehow that it was in the Bible. I looked it up and found that the rest said to "trust in the Lord with all your heart". This I have clung to for the last 20 years of my life. I haven't been in a church for about as long. My trust in the Lord has grown as has my belief that the essence of who Jesus is isn't coming across in many Christian circles today. I'm not saying that I know all the truth and that I don't still struggle with past issues because I do, but I have come to believe that there is a reason for all that I have gone and am going through. My perspective has caused me to look at God from a different angle and in spite of what a struggle it has been I am glad for it. Otherwise, I know I would be sitting in a church pew today thanking God that I'm not like all those (choosing?) going to hell and all the while depending on my own "goodness" without even realizing it.

So, for me, trusting the Lord with all my heart means trusting Him to show me the Truth because heaven knows I don't have that confidence in my own understanding of the things of God. I have asked Him often to lead me in the right direction and little by little He has. I can't say that I ever recall hearing about Universal Salvation until a while ago when I came across a little tract about it. I was intrigued by what I read and ended up reading a couple of books about it. It was the first time I had ever heard something that seemed to clear up many of my questions about God and the Bible. I embraced it with my mind then, but I know now that I had already embraced it with my heart many years ago. The final nail in the coffin of my mistaken belief in an eternal hell was driven home when I discovered  some of what the Old Testament Law taught us about Jesus and how he would fulfill it all, to the last little detail.  Joy!, joy!...it doesn't depend on me, It depends on Him and He alone is able!!!

I still sometimes have residual issues from my former beliefs but when I think of the wonder of Him saving the whole world with Love, I get a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye (as I have now). How could it be any other way? Love NEVER Fails....


Anyway, I guess that gives you a little (Lol) info about me.... Thanks for talking the time to read it.


                                                                                                                             Kristine

[pneuma]

Hi little one, welcome and nice to meet you.

Love NEVER Fails....

Really says it all don't it.

God bless

[martincisneros]

...it doesn't depend on me, It depends on Him and He alone is able!!!

I still sometimes have residual issues from my former beliefs but when I think of the wonder of Him saving the whole world with Love, I get a lump in my throat and a tear in my eye (as I have now). How could it be any other way? Love NEVER Fails....

Hi Kristine,

Welcome to Tentmaker and God bless you.  I know what you mean about the tears.  Most of my posts around here are with floods and floods of tears.  It's the most beautiful dream that we never want to wake up from that God's this good, isn't it?  The entire Hell thing has been a total lie.  The cold, sobering reality of our existance is that Reality is actually hot, burning Love that'll never let go of any of us.  I said "cold, sobering reality" because most Christians are bracing themselves for how bad it's really going to turn out "on Judgment Day."  They're white knuckled in their hearts with so much tension.  They just want to make it in.  But they're already "in," as well as their loved ones, and every enemy in their lives that the Bible has spoken to them all of their lives about fasting and praying for, and giving to.  No investment of love in this life will have been in vain.  That's God's "free-will" and "sovereign" choice.

Martin

[SeekerSA]

Hi Kristine

:welcome: to the forum.  Great opening post.

I trust you will be blessed here

[onlytruth]

look forward to reading more of your posts.
i  can sense in your post, God sure has given you a soft and gentle heart
blessings :icon_king:

[B_T]

Hi, Kristine, and welcome here!!!  :HeartThrob: :HeartThrob: :HeartThrob: :HeartThrob: :HeartThrob:

I understand how you feel because I had the very same terror when I thought about perpetual hell. I had the very same moments with lumps on throat and tears in eyes when I thought about salvation of all people, including unsaved people.

Have a good time   :boyheart: