Hello... here's my story

[lizzybeth]

Hello.... I'm new here. I'd like to say a bit about myself. I have some views that others probably don't agree with - but I am still growing in my own spiritual path and my own relationship with Jesus.

I was born into a loving home that believed in Christ, and I was secure in my faith until around 18 or 19. I had always been easily able to thank Jesus for saving me, but around this time, something clicked when I started looking at the other side of the equation - what happens to the good and kind people that either don't believe in Jesus, or have never heard of him, or were born into another religion? This started a rift in my spirituality. It became so bad that for a period I removed myself so far from Christianity that I called myself a theist - in other words, I believed in a higher power, but I didn't know if any religion had it right. But, even then I could never deny Jesus. I always believed Jesus was divine - although sometimes I have questions about how he was divine. In the end I ended up believing in Jesus, but I also interpreted some key verses differently from traditional Christianity. I reconciled my faith with the moral outrage I felt at the idea that people would be tormented forever by the thought that those that dwell in love, dwell in God. I believe that people that love others know Jesus in their hearts, even if they don't know him by name. I also believe that hell is a separation from God, but when we become reconciled with God, we are able to go out of this realm and be gathered up into God's love. But what is different is I also believe in NDEs - no matter the religion, and OBEs, and reincarnation, which are some basic ideas that mainstream Christianity has problems with. But, I didn't come here to start an argument or get into a debate.

My best friend is Jewish. I cannot believe that she and her family are bound for hell becuase of not believing in something  - even if that something is true. This conflicts with the deepest moral fiber in my soul.

I sometimes shift between thoughts- I either believe all religions that practice love are from God - or I believe all religions except Christianity are wrong - and even then I am in constant wondering over just how much of the Jesus I know is authentic and how much is based on Church teachings and politics. At times I wish I could just shut off my mind, because it can torment me.

Sometimes I wonder if my faith in Jesus is authentic or if it is just lip service. I was born a Christian - how do I know if I truly believe or if it's just ingrained. I have problems with the idea that God cannot forgive people except through Christ, even though I believe in Christ and believe he was from God. I have never had an explanation that rung true with me, and this has caused me much strife. I know that most Christians believe that to be saved, one must profess that Jesus Christ is their savior, and that he died on the cross to save us from our sins. Where does this leave me? I believe in Jesus. I believe he was divine. Heck, even if I tell myself I *don't* believe Jesus died to save me from my sins - I get a huge ball of anxiety in my heart. Because of this, I believe that I believe on some deep level that he did die to save me from my sins, even if I can't understand why he had to. But then I wonder if it's just more ingrained thinking. And I become a nervous wreck. No one has been able to give me an explanation for why God cannot simply forgive sin without Jesus having to be a sacrifice that gives me satisfaction.

In the end, I believe that Jesus was God, and that he did come to save us. But I have such deep issues with the idea that Jesus being murdered and nailed to a cross is how he did it. For me, it always seemed that the most important things Jesus taught to me were to love God with all your heart, and to love everyone.

Maybe it's not right, and maybe it's not perfect. Heck, maybe it's just some leftover ingrained idea from my childhood. I don't know. But, I tell Jesus that I don't know. I tell him that I have questions upon questions, and that I have a lot of trouble with large parts of religion in general, and I ask that he be patient with me and show me his love and compassion in my life.

I wanted to add some more:  :laughing7:
I over analyze. I over analyze everything, I think. I do this with religion as well. Sometimes, it does me a great service to just take a breather and step back from trying to understand or analyze *everything*, especially if we're talking about 2,000 year old texts that are from a different culture than the one we currently live in.

I also like to talk to Jesus at night about my doubts, my fears, my questions. I often tell him about whatever particular thing I've been wondering about that day... or that I have doubts and have never heard a good explanation (to me) from anyone over why he had to die to save people from their sins. I ask him for forgiveness for not understanding everything, and I ask him for forgiveness for the fact that I keep bugging him with my stupid little doubts and nagging insecurities. I ask him to give me signs that I'm on the right track... or I ask him to fill me with peace and love. Usually this works. I remember a few nights ago, I was up late trying to know whether or not I believed Jesus was my "personal savior" - even though I *believe* that he was divine and came from God, and rose from the dead and did miracles. Seriously... where does that leave me? I have to have the most absurd Christian faith in the history of the world. I found that I didn't have the eye opening wonder usually given when someone says they decide to be 'born again' in Jesus, so I was worried that I just couldn't profess to that part of Jesus if I didn't understand. I'm a highly logical person, and if I don't understand something, I have trouble believing it. But, then this feeling of great peace came over me, and it felt almost as if this arrow went into my chest and broke up the anxiety in one instant. In one second that ball of anxiety that had been forming all day just dissipated. I realized the reason that I didn't feel any eye opener was because i had *already* accepted Jesus as my savior long ago, when I was a child. This is why I never felt some amazing transformation when saying it. I already believed it. I came to this conclusion when I tried to do the *opposite* and say that I *didn't* believe Jesus was my savior. I felt this ball of anxiety well up when I said those words.. even when I write them now... and that's how i"ve come to believe that I believe in Jesus... I've tried to step back from over analyzing every little thing about him... especially about why he ended up being murdered, and what impact that had everyone. I've decided to just let go and let God. He knows that I have questions and doubts... he knows my inner fears and my insecurities. Heck, he even knows that I believe in NDES, OBEs, reincarnation and other stuff not taught by mainstream Christainity. He knows I'm constantly searching. But, even WITH all of that... even with the fact that I believe in some things that other Christians don't... I still feel God within me when I become quiet and introspective. I still have moments in church where I start welling up in tears over the words being told. I know God is within me.. and Christ loves me... and I believe God loves me, because I feel love from within. Even if I don't understand everything that has to go with it. I just ask Jesus and God to accept me for who I am, even though I believe some stuff that others might not.. and even though I keep questioning them on basically... everything under the sun. lol. I have to believe Jesus loves me just as I am, with all my doubts, insecurities, fears, anger, wondering, and that blasted thing called "logic" that keeps me from blinding accepting things as I used to as a child...

And that's when I feel this feeling of peace and acceptance. That he loves all of us, no matter what we believe or what religion we profess to be, no matter how much we doubt or how much some of us might say we hate him. He loves us all... despite the fact that we are far from perfect. And because he IS love... he will NEVER EVER let ONE of his children be lost from him forever. He will save us all eventually, because he is our loving parent.

And that's why I believe in universal salvation.

whew...  :icon_flower:

[Beloved Servant]

Hi and welcome.
I have found in my walk with the Lord that the answers to the deep things of God coincide with my walk with Him.
The closer I get to Him the more I understand.
I, too, wondered about the cross.
Seek and you will find.
By seeking, the treasure is even greater : )

[lizzybeth]

Thanks for your kind words. I just wrote a few more paragraphs that came from my heart.

I told christianforums.com about this whole thing... but it turned into a giant argument of 'i'm right and you're wrong'.  That wasn't my intention. :mshock:

I believe we grow each day in Christ and in God. I'm so happy to know he loves me as I am, even with all my nagging and questions. lol

[Beloved Servant]

Amen.
day by day.

[jabcat]

Welcome lizzy.  I hope you grow in your trust and total belief in Him.  We'll try to help - He is "an everpresent help in times of trouble".  

[lizzybeth]

Thank you all. This place is so refreshing. I'm so happy that I can put all my trust in Jesus and God. I know I have to, because I constantly have questions and doubts about all sorts of things. I think if I didn't have my belief in Jesus and in God, I'd feel so lost and alone in this world.

[jabcat]

We would be.  Please, just take all your questions and concerns and hand them over to Him.  The world doesn't have the answers.  Our own carnal minds don't have the answers.  The adversary will twist the answers to make us think they're right, but by doing so leads us down the path of "there's a way that seems to a man to be the right way to go, but in the end he finds destruction".

There are many things you/I may not understand in the scriptures, but ask Him to please move by His Spirit within those pages and bring those letters to Life in you.  His Words can be trusted.  When Jesus asked the disciples if they would also go away, Peter answered where else would we go?  You alone have the Words of Life.

Be blessed and uplifted.

[Beloved Servant]

that was beautiful, James. thank you for that.

[jabcat]

 :HeartThrob:

[lizzybeth]

Thank you for your loving words. That's what I have found helps with my doubts and questions. I simply ask Jesus to help show me the truth, and if I believe something that I'm not sure about... I ask that he give me a sign if it's real or not. And, I also ask that he forgive me if I'm misguided in any way. I think that through meditation and a close connection to Christ and God, we can come to see some of the answers to life. When trying to find my spiritual path, I came into some of my own beliefs on Christ, God, the Bible, early Christian ideas, non orthodox writings, religion, humanity, souls, and other things. I wasn't sure if I was interpreting things right... but I asked Jesus to just accept me and my little wonderings for what they are. I feel at peace with where I am, even if I don't have all the answers, and knowing that some of what I believe could be wrong.. becuase i know Jesus loves me for me, even with everything. lol  

[lizzybeth]

How great Christ is! And how great God is! I love that I will always be loved and accepted by my loving and tender hearted parent even though I am far from perfect, with my doubts, fears and insecurities!  :HeartThrob:

[bea]

lizzybeth.. a big fat pink DITTO to everything you said, lol.. I am right in the middle of it myself. Tentmaker has helped me sooo soo much. Although, there's some articles on the site that I don't understand or don't even agree with, it still helps me.  I have a lot more love for people now.. especially my so-called enemies. I see everything differently than I did as a Christian. I still struggle and get depressed and confused. But I also decided it's okay for me to not think about it and take breaks from it all and just live my normal life. I think living my normal everyday shallow little life is what God wants me to do.. instead of trying to figure all this out. I could easily "think" myself into a suicidal state, so I try to chill when I get really confused, and wait for the answer to come later. He is the one who reveals it to us afterall. I'll just wait until he does it. In the meantime, I visit this site every day. I  usually leave here feeling pretty good and peaceful.

[lizzybeth]

Oh bea, it's so nice to hear that. I think we are kindred spirits. I can over analyze myself into a near paralysis if I put my brain to it. lol.

I think Jesus wants us to live our lives in love, and to help others like he helped them. Even if we don't have all the answers, and even if we're wrong on some stuff... Jesus loves us anyway, becuase he knows our deepest thoughts.

At times I still find fear reaping in.. that I'm not a "correct" Christian, because I have doubts over some of the basic beliefs so many of them hold. What does that make me, if I believe Jesus is divine and sent from God, but at the same time have problems accepting God can only forgive through Christ. What a silly belief system I have. But at the same time, I can only talk to Jesus in the quiet moments of my life, usually at night in bed, and poor all of this dribble out to him and ask him for guidance and love and understanding. At times i find myself wanting to distance myself from many Christians, because they turn me off to religion becuase they have such a holier than thou attitude.

[bea]

Oh bea, it's so nice to hear that. I think we are kindred spirits. I can over analyze myself into a near paralysis if I put my brain to it. lol.

I think Jesus wants us to live our lives in love, and to help others like he helped them. Even if we don't have all the answers, and even if we're wrong on some stuff... Jesus loves us anyway, becuase he knows our deepest thoughts.

At times I still find fear reaping in.. that I'm not a "correct" Christian, because I have doubts over some of the basic beliefs so many of them hold. What does that make me, if I believe Jesus is divine and sent from God, but at the same time have problems accepting God can only forgive through Christ. What a silly belief system I have. But at the same time, I can only talk to Jesus in the quiet moments of my life, usually at night in bed, and poor all of this dribble out to him and ask him for guidance and love and understanding. At times i find myself wanting to distance myself from many Christians, because they turn me off to religion becuase they have such a holier than thou attitude.

Well I know I am definitely wrong on a lot of things haha.. and somehow I know that it's okay.

I also do my praying at night in bed. Although, I recently sort of realized that my whole life is a prayer.. every thought or feeling I have is a prayer. I don't need to say "Dear God" beforehand, necessarily (that's always how I prayed before). In the back of my mind, I feel like he's always listening anyway.. so it's just an ongoing conversation at all times haha. But I always try to sort out my deeper thoughts with him at night.

I am also struggling with distancing myself from other Christians.. particularly my mother. I haven't told her where I stand right now, and I don't think I ever can. She is very set in her beliefs and she thinks that I agree with her, so sometimes she says things that really hurt me and make me upset, but I just keep it inside. I prefer to just not be around her much :(. I quit going to her bible study with her, which I think she is upset about, but I just can't do it anymore. All they talk about is the rapture and end of the world and how Islam is the antichrist and my heart can't take it right now. Maybe it's all true, I don't know anymore. I don't want to know, it's too scary to me.

There's this bible scholar, Chuck Missler, who loves talking about the end of the world and evil and hell. I listened to him for a while in my beginning stages of hardcore seeking. One time he said "If you have any ounce of fear in you at all, even the tiniest bit of fear.. you're in big trouble" That nearly drove me to insanity because I believed him. #$%$@  :thumbdown:

[lizzybeth]

Oh Bea, I'm sorry to hear about your mother and you.  :sigh: I am kind of going through the same thing with my aunt. It's annoying, because she brought up the topic of religion, but when I refute some of her points she crams up and stops talking. lol. So now I just don't talk about religion with her if I can help it.

i noticed that I find myself talking to Jesus throughout the day too. Even if it's just stupid little things that don't have any bearing on anything. I'll often just comment to him about something I've thought or something I saw. But it's at night that I can really talk to him without distractions. I used to start out my prayer's 'dear God'... but they started to feel insincere. It was like I was forcing myself to say my nightly prayers, or it felt like a ritual. So now I usually just start by going 'Hi Jesus...' lol

Oh, and that point on fear is just so absurd. Jesus  KNOWS that we fear and have doubts. That just goes how some people want to control you by saying how you have to believe something or you don't get to go to heaven. That is not what Jesus taught in the gospels, and that's not the point he ever made. He goes out of his way to talk to people that society threw away. Prostitutes, tax collectors, the people that society thought were the worst of the worst. He wanted ALL of them, even with all of their faults.

[WhiteWings]

Hi and  :welcome: Lizzy

I'm sure you will find what you are looking for.
Keep spamming!