The Dog's Diary vs. The Cat's Diary
THE DOG'S DIARY:
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
THE CAT'S DIARY:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them I once again vomit on the carpet. Today, I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear in their hearts since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I was.
Bastards! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he walked. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges; he is regularly released and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell so he is safe, for now.
Sorry, but I believe this is a scam! I know for a fact that cats are much to high class to use the word "bastards". :happygrin:
:cloud9: :grin: :laughing7: :grin:
Quote from: hopeful on January 27, 2008, 04:09:12 PM
Sorry, but I believe this is a scam! I know for a fact that cats are much to high class to use the word "bastards". :happygrin:
Maybe cats were actually the ones who gave the name to female dogs? :dontknow:
:cloud9: We've decided my cat actually thinks he's a big dog. He follows me from room to room, picks up things in his mouth to play with or destroy (brought my daughter's dried rose bouquet from her boyfriend downstairs to "play" with it--she was NOT amused), then carries his newfound "prize toy" from room to room.
When my daughter lets in the 70 pound Aussie we have, in for a visit, the cat chases HIM from room to room, and the Aussie actually runs in apparent fear. :sigh: The dog herds my daughter's 2000 lb+ horse, but runs from a 6 lb cat.........we're pretty sure at least one of them has major identity problems. :icon_jokercolor:
QuoteMaybe cats were actually the ones who gave the name to female dogs?
:rolllol:
This thread made my day. :icon_flower:
Quote from: Cardinal on January 27, 2008, 05:27:36 PM
The dog herds my daughter's 2000 lb+ horse, but runs from a 6 lb cat.........we're pretty sure at least one of them has major identity problems. :icon_jokercolor:
Oh! I wish I could come ride your daughters horse! (and see your cat) :winkgrin:
:cloud9: I have an open door policy; open the door and come on in!
Wouldn't that be fun? I'm sure we'll meet some day!
:cloud9: Yes, it would, and I hope we do....... :thumbsup:
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1) Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut until count of ten.
4) Retrieve cat from under the sofa. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws, and ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and get curtains repaired. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side to glue back together later.
6) Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open, place straw in mouth and blow.
7) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink a scotch to take away the terrible taste. Apply a Band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and water.
8) Tie the little angels front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 litres of water down cat's throat to wash pill down.
9) Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the hospital, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call into furniture shop on the way home and order a new table.
10) Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell. Call local pet store and see whether they have any hamsters for sale.
You forgot one more thing. Feed pill to hamster, release cat and hamster at the same time. :mshock:
This your best by far :mrflo: :mrflo: :mrflo:
Tears of mirth - Glory
In other words, "don't try this at home, Kids!" :Sparkletooth:
:cloud9: OMG, laughed till I lost my breath........ :laughing7: :mrflo: :thumbsup:
Oh yeah.....I have 3 cats.....some oughta print that manual and sell it at pet shops!!!
Quote from: FineLinen on January 29, 2008, 05:49:28 PM
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1) Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut until count of ten.
4) Retrieve cat from under the sofa. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws, and ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
5) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and get curtains repaired. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side to glue back together later.
6) Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open, place straw in mouth and blow.
7) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink a scotch to take away the terrible taste. Apply a Band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and water.
8) Tie the little angels front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 litres of water down cat's throat to wash pill down.
9) Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the hospital, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call into furniture shop on the way home and order a new table.
10) Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell. Call local pet store and see whether they have any hamsters for sale.
It's getting about that time of summer again. I'm still waiting on the how to give a cat a bath manual.
:laughing7: still laughing!! this is hillarious! Yes...time for the "how to bath the cat" instructions:
Instructions For Bathing The Cat (*as left on my dinning table)
Pour 1oz favorite pet shampoo in toilet.
carefully place kitty in toilet and hold down lid.
flush toilet for quick wash and rinse.
do not worry about sounds coming from toilet, the cat actually enjoys this cleansing process!
have someone open the front door to the house while you stand back as far as possible lifting lid of toilet....
(signed) The Dog :laughing7: