How wonderful it is to be free! To feel free and to know God loves me. To experience ever increasing freedom from sin’s cruel grasp while resting secure in the love of our Lord.
For many years, as a Christian, I was unable to rest in God’s love while trusting Him to bring me into wholeness. Perhaps you struggle now with the same restless panic that held me captive. Perhaps you wonder, “How can I rest in God’s love—in my wretched state?! Yes, God is love. But the Bible also says He hates sin, and it warns us of God’s eternal wrath and judgment.”
That was my state of mind for decades. It finally resulted in my hospitalization and living for a year without sanity, and for many months being “sustained” by prescription anti-depressants.
I was brought up in a legalistic Christianity that taught, “Jesus loves you, but watch out! No sin will enter Heaven, and He may return or let you die on one of your bad days. . .” Sheesh! As a young adult, it suddenly dawned on me: that concept of the gospel had to be wrong, for it was anything but “good news.”
So I found friendship with Christians who understood the gospel differently. Their version (and, for years, my own) was, “Jesus loves you, and if you’ll receive Him as Lord and Savior before it’s too late He will save you. And once you’re saved, you will always be saved. And once you are truly saved you will want to obey and serve Him, though sinless perfection will never happen in this lifetime.”
Problem was, so much wreckage still remained in my life, my reflexes, thoughts, mind and emotions! I could see what appeared to be evidence of God’s Spirit working in my life. I even received, on occasions, what seemed to be positive proof God was affirming and loving me—actually speaking inside my heart.
On the other hand, I saw what appeared to be proof positive—repeatedly—that I had never been truly saved. (Uh oh, there’s the catch! Right?) There were times when nothing inside me wanted to obey the Lord—not even to try! Not even a little! I found myself filled with rage, lust and rebellion. Seasons came (and, thankfully, went) in which I didn’t want to think about God or Jesus—let alone hear or speak about spiritual issues.
Then . . . I would “wake up” again, filled with fear, shame, self-loathing and remorse. Had I ever truly been saved? How could I have been, in light of all the havoc I was causing? Had all my, so called, “God-encounters” been only demonic delusions? Perhaps I was a counterfeit, an evil and deluded dreamer who only thought he was one of the “elect.” For, given the parameters of my Scriptural understanding—Biblically speaking—there was no way to know. “God” was an agonizing blur in my tormented brain. I found that I loved Him, yet also hated Him and recoiled in horror from Him. Can you relate?
If you can, this message is for you. What follows may at first seem “dry” and appear to be only another boring theological presentation. But do us both a favor and
Hang In There
With Me!
Okay? . . .
I believe you’ll be more than pleasantly surprised (and perhaps, bursting into tears of joy!) as you journey with me to discover afresh the love of our Wonderful God.
Lamentations 3:31-33
(NKJV)
For the Lord will not cast off forever.
Though He causes grief,
Yet He will show compassion
According to the multitude of His mercies.
For He does not afflict willingly,
Nor grieve the children of men.
(NIV 1984)
For men are not cast off by the Lord forever.
Though He brings grief, He will show compassion,
So great is His unfailing love.
For He does not willingly bring affliction
Or grief to the children of men.