Hi everyone,
I am so thankful for this site as well as a few others that have helped me more than words can say. I know my story is identical to a lot of other posters here so I will try not to bore you! But I will give a little background.
I moved from a big city to a small town for work. I am a single girl, 30 years old. There was nothing to do in this small town, which suited me fine as I am a homebody and like to be "bored" a lot of the time. I decided to use my time to learn more about Jesus. I've always been a Christian, but was very self righteous and didn't THINK about it much at all. I used to be really excited about creation and read a lot about it, but other than that, I really didn't understand JESUS. So, I asked God to teach me what I needed to know about JESUS. Holy moley, did he teach me.
It was as if I was "born again" haha. Except the only thing I could grasp at first was that I was a horrible sinner and God hated me and couldn't wait to send me to Hell. Then I learned about Grace. Yippee, I'm not going to hell! But, my athiest boyfriend of 10 years is. And my best friend for 20 years is. And there's a good chance my brother is, and if I have any children, a pretty good chance they will. So on and so on.
For the first time in my life, I wanted to kill myself. I didn't want to exist. I hated waking up everyday. The instant I woke up I would think "oh no the whole world is doomed" I tried to convince myself that I didn't really want there to be a god at all. I was completely defeated, in despair, no hope of anything. I couldn't do ANYTHING without thinking about hell. I couldn't look at anyone without wondering if they were going there, and wondering if they ever felt what I was feeling. I didn't understand how anyone could smile and laugh and live life knowing there is a hell!!! Even if one single person out of 100 billion was in hell (even if it was Hitler, everyone's favorite hell dweller), there could be no heaven, IMO.
The Lord then led me out of the small town, back to my hometown where I am much more comfortable, but I was still deeply depressed. Long story short, the Holy Spirit kept telling me that if I am feeling like this, there is something I am not understanding properly. God can't be love and evil at the same time! And then one evening He showed me a book online called God's Plan for All which was my first introduction to "Universalism". Although this book disturbed me in some ways, it led me to Saviorofall.com and then to Tentmaker where I am finally finding peace and happiness and grace and forgiveness and love and mercy and justice, haha!
I can't help but think the Lord led me through all that despair for a reason. Maybe it is to help me be a light to my athiest boyfriend (who probably thinks I'm nuts at this point after telling him he was my ENEMY and he was going to hell while crying my eyes out) Someday God will present me with the opportunity to teach him the TRUE GOSPEL. I will wait patiently and not turn my back on him like some Christians would tell me to do. And I no longer feel the need to convert him and beg him to "come to Christ" so he won't go to hell. It's in the Lord's hands!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not mine!! Yippeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I'm off to other parts of the forum to ask lots of questions
bea
