Hi, I'm Jordan White, and it has been a long time coming, for me to get here and for me in life in general. I have enjoyed this community for about the last year. I was lead on a journey from deep ignorance about all things relating to God, though I had been raised in a believing home. I had a firmly implanted work = please God complex, which was heavily instilled into me by my parents. Though they would say "saved by grace," works were emphasized to the point of nullifying faith. I desperately sought "assurance" that I was saved not wanting to go to Hell. My parents tried to answer my doubts but couldn't help. I entered an awful depression of doubt after reading a John Piper writing on the unforgivable sin, and was lead to a site named net-burst-net, which had somewhat of a helpful teaching. The guy who runs that site seems to have a real heart for those dealing with issues that the mainstream won't touch.
His teaching fell short though. After trying to "defeat" Calvinism because I saw it as the greatest threat to my assurance I stumbled across ultimate reconciliation. Sadly my disposition at first was to disprove it, because I am very prideful. I ended up being persuaded of it's truth in no small part because you, this forum community.
I must admit though that I have and still do struggle to want to trust/know God. I have struggled so long internally in life that it is hard for me to want to do so. Sometimes I want to say "forget it all, I'm going to live life my way." So it is clear that I haven't come here to minister, but to be ministered to (hopefully). I'm still waiting for that word of Christ that grants faith.