Hello :)
My name is Matt :) Well, my story is really long and complicated, so I won't go into it at the moment...
I'll just say, to give a very brief summary, that I grew up as an agnostic/atheist, let go of some of my skepticism and explored Christianity in high school, tried to pray, read the Bible, go to church, but after awhile and much struggle got very disillusioned with it, walked away, then made a lot of bad choices, especially in relationships with women, and in general felt very depressed and lost, and often bitter and angry... then I was drawn to Christ, faith in Christ, as a relationship and not just a belief system (as I had felt during high school) through authors like Brennan Manning, Philip Yancey, and Frederick Buechner, among others, who helped me to believe that maybe God, that Jesus Christ, is not only real, but really does care deeply about us and understands us completely, that He loves us and even shares intimately in our shame and our pain through the cross, and has the power to give us new life, just as He rose from the dead... things like that.
It was a rough process though, pulling myself away from an addiction to sex, while I started attending church again (Gladstone First Baptist Church, in Oregon, near where I live).
After breaking up with my girlfriend at the time, about two months later I met a girl, a Christian girl, named Kaylyn, who is now my fiancee, and our relationship is wonderful and a huge blessing to me, and I hope to her as well.
Without sex (we're waiting till marriage, of course, though I'll admit that's really hard for me), it's so much different, learning to love a woman for herself and not just for her body... it's been a challenge at times, but I'm grateful for her.
Along with my relationship with Kaylyn (who doesn't attend church with me regularly because she lives in Vancouver, Washington with her mom), there are people I've connected with who have helped me along the way, encouraging me and praying for me, and speaking faith, hope, and love nto my life... and I've had experiences that not only confirm God's existence to me, but, if I'm willing to trust those experiences, His goodness and trustworthiness and love as well...
And in many other ways I feel like God has been there, forgiving me when I fail, picking me back up when I fall, holding onto to me when I've felt like giving up...
Which brings me the rest of my story, and why I'm here...
Over the last five years, though there have been many bright moments, there have been some very dark moments as well. And not just in the area of sin and failure, though there has certainly been a lot of that, but also struggles with fears and doubts, about God, about life, about everything...
I still retain something of a skeptical mind from my days as an agnostic/atheist. And I was an agnostic/atheist who belittled Christians and Christianity, and that mindset can still creep up on me sometimes, that says something like 'aren't these people crazy, and aren't you crazy being one of them?' Also, I have a difficulty with trust. I mean, as you can probably tell from reading this, I'm not afraid to share a lot of things about myself.
But deep trust, where I really let someone in, really let myself connect deeply with someone... that's hard for me...
And these issues really flare up in my struggles with how I view God, who God is, what God is like...
The funny thing is this: by looking at my life overall, I would have to say that the evidence points more than anything towards the fact that God is real and also that God is good, if I take all of my experiences into account. I've known deep emotional agony and have been rejected and had my heart broken, I've been disappointed and let down, I've been wracked with shame and hurt... but overall, just all of the things I have to be thankful for and for the fact that I've somehow come through all those dark times speak to me of the reality and the goodness of God, the grace and the mercy and the compassion and the strength of Christ that so many talk about...
But on the other hand, when it comes to the Bible, or what I hear from people here and there, in church, in books I read... it gets confusing... and especially the Bible (now don't get me wrong, there are many encouraging and deeply beautiful passages in Scripture, but all the stuff about wrath and hell throws me off, and makes God seem like Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde)...
The whole issue of heaven and hell has been a big struggle for me at times over the last five years, along with sovereignty vs. free will, and all those doctrines that have the potential to drive one insane... along with the general anxiety of life, and of feeling broken and messed up and wondering if I'm really accepted and loved by God, if I can really love Him, and really trust Him, and really love other people... and not knowing what to do with my life, not knowing how to fix what's broken, how to make whole what's messed up, and if I can really learn and grow and become all I was meant to be...
You probably all know what I'm talking about...
With the fears and the doubts about God's nature and character that have come up because of what I've read in the Bible in places or have heard elsewhere, and because of all that anxiety, there are times I've gotten very scared or angry with God, or both, screaming and even in cursing at Him, or begging for mercy, crying out for help in desperation like some terrified little boy; sometimes hurting myself, clawing at myself, hitting my head against walls, and crazy things like that...
I'm happy to say that I don't hurt myself like that anymore, because of the support of Kaylyn ('Don't do that!' I love you!'), and others, but I still struggle...
Which brings me here.
I've sometimes wondered, though not often I admit because it seemed too good to be true, if hell was really forever, and if God really could save everyone. I've wanted to believe that, but have been afraid to, because so many say it's heresy, false teaching, or at best wishful thinking. And the Bible doesn't always seem to support it, at least in the one I was reading.
Most would say that it's understandable wanting to believe it, but it just ain't so...
And I have many people in my life, my mom and my sister (who I live with at the moment), my grandma Taj, many friends, many people I've known, who don't believe in Jesus, and I wonder what will happen to them, even as I wonder sometimes what will happen to me... not to mention the millions, no, the billions, or even trillions, who have lived throughout history and never had any kind of real connection with Jesus in their lives...
I mean, I never understood how God could say in the Bible that He wants no one to perish, that He takes no pleasure in punishing people, that He doesn't enjoy anyone suffering, not to mention saying that all things are possible with Him, that nothing is too hard for Him, and yet still give up on many if not most people, and cast them out forever... it doesn't make any sense...
Revelation says there will be no tears in heaven... I've wondered how that could be for us, if we had any awareness of hell, or even how that could be for God...
Wouldn't God be 'crying' forever because of all the people He had lost? And that don't make no sense...
I've felt restless, like one the Jews must have felt when they were exile in Babylon... I've felt like I've been missing something, like something just isn't there... it's hard to explain... maybe it's peace that isn't there... I have my moments, but most of the time, it's not really there inside of me...
Lately I decided to go back to some of the authors who inspired me early on, to see if I could find what I've been missing...
One of the authors I read was Rob Bell. I liked him a lot when I first discovered him years ago, but then a friend of mine from high school (who was, at the time, a big fan of John MacArthur... MacArthur, by the way, played a part in my walking away actually... really frustrating sermon on the radio... I've kept a wide berth from him ever since) rebuked me harshly for sharing one of his NOOMA videos (Rain) with my e-mail list (which included him).
He said that Bell was probably a false teacher, and I should stay away from him. That scared me, so I kind of steered clear of Bell for awhile...
Recently though, I decided to give him another try.
My friend has since changed from what I've heard. His wife, who is on Facebook, says he's mellowed out, and God has really been working in his heart, pulling him away from that legalistic mindset. That and I know he's had many of the same struggles I've had, so I forgive him for being hard on me.
Along with that knowledge, and hearing about him here and there and being curious, I checked him out again.
I reread Velvet Elvis (thought-provoking), and then read Sex God (challenging and deep), and watched all 24 NOOMA videos (beautiful series of videos).
I also just finished reading Jesus Wants To Save Christians (very challenging and inspiring), and of course I've read the book that brought me here: Love Wins.
I had read all about the controversy online before reading it, and just hearing all the flack he was getting (and also heart-felt defense he was getting here and there) made me want to read it for myself. So I did.
A lot of what he had to say really spoke to me, resonated with me. A lot of the questions and the doubts he voiced were the ones I had or had never found words for.
It was very thought-provoking and eye-opening and hopeful.
But I still had, and have questions.
I recently sent an e-mail to Jackson Baer, an open Christian Universalist, who is about to publish a book called What The Hell, on YouTube, asking him some of those questions. I haven't heard back from him yet.
I'd also heard about Gerry Beauchemin on YouTube, and watched his video in defense of Love Wins, and also heard about his book. I liked what he had to say (though the Amazing Grace music in the background was a bit cheesy, I have to admit, no offense
).
I was intrigued, and ordered it, and just got it in the mail today, and have been flipping through it off and on today.
It looks as though he addresses some of the areas that Bell didn't address, but not all of them.
So I came online to see if he did elsewhere, and came across this site, which I think he mentioned at the back of the book. So here I am.
So maybe I could get some more answers here, I'm hoping, and support in this.
To sum up, I really want to believe that this is true. It makes a helluva (pun intended) lot more sense to me, and there appears to be a lot more hope and peace in that view than in the standard one that so many churches teach today, including mine.
Like Rob Bell said, and I agree, it's a much better story.
The one I've been trying to believe honestly just hasn't been working for me, I have to admit.
Which is maybe what I've been missing.
That the Good News that everyone keeps talking about really is good, and it's for me and it's for everyone.
Honestly, I'm scared. I've told Kaylyn about this, and she's totally open to it and supportive. She says she's always kind of thought that hell wasn't forever herself, though she hasn't talked about it with anyone really. But she's pretty much the only person I've told (not counting Jackson Baer, some YouTubbers, and whoever is reading this).
But as for my friends at church and outside of church who are Christian, and most of whom profess belief in everlasting punishment (though not with any measure of excitement), I haven't broached the subject yet.
Everyone who knows me knows that I struggle a lot with things, but I don't know how they'd react to my stepping in this direction... I'm afraid of their response.
My church is conservative Baptist, and my pastor, though a great guy, sticks to the traditional view, and as far as I can tell, so do all the elders and church leaders.
And lately I've been feeling isolated and out of place there because of my questions and my struggles.
I have found some good friends there over the years. There are people there who have shown me God's love, who have helped me out in many ways... but by and large, because people are busy, or because I'm afraid they won't won't understand what I'm wrestling with, I feel lonely there much of the time... and I don't connect much with anyone there outside of Sundays, except for a small handful of people...
Along with that handful are some close Christian friends outside of my church, and also my Grandpa Allan, and I'm afraid not so much of their rejection but of their questioning, or trying to get me to change my mind, not understanding, and that sort of thing...
I'm not sure how to approach this. I know it's a controversial, even volatile, issue for some, so I'm not sure...
Any suggestions?
I haven't quite made up my mind completely about this. I have a tendency to question everything, especially the things that are most positive (I can be something of a pessimist sometimes), so it's hard for me to accept deep down that this could really be true, and not only that, but so many could be wrong about it, and so few could be right.
I mean, if this is true, I don't mind being called a heretic (well, I do, but you know what I mean), but if it isn't, then I'm just on some wild goose chase after wishful thinking...
Something inside me tells me to keep open to it though...
Well, it's late, and I need to go to bed, and I don't anyone having to read a novel.
To close, I'll share something that I shared with Jackson Baer in that e-mail:
'I go to a moderately conservative Baptist Church, who have eternal punishment as one of their doctrines. Though this is the case, we're not necessarily fire and brimstone in our teaching or mentality (or at least not most of us, I think).
I have found friends there, some cool people, and though I sometimes feel lonely and out of place there, I know that God brought me there for a reason. Anyways, my pastor, Brian Early, is a pretty cool guy, and I like and can resonate with what he has to say most of the time.
He's smart and compassionate, both encouraging and challenging.
Like today.
He was going through Genesis 22 today, talking about Abraham, and how God asked him to sacrifice Isaac. Brian talked about the nature of faith, and trusting God when we may not understand, and how God is the One, ultimately, who provides, and we can stake our lives and our souls on that.
He finished out his sermon with a quote from Charles Spurgeon, that goes something like this:
'Our Father is too wise to be mistaken,
Our Father is too good to be unkind,
you can't see His plan,
and when you can't trace His hand,
trust His heart.'
I thought that was beautiful and something worth remembering and holding onto, and it really applies to all of this I think, so I'll leave you with that. :)'
Well that's what I shared with Jackson and that's what I'm sharing with whoever is reading.
Thanks for listening and hope to get some responses.
Grace and peace to you,
Matthew K. Wiley
