Thanks all for the encouragements and shared wisdoms.
I am a Chinese and English is not my first language. Therefore, you may have to work harder to figure out what I really want to express in my writing.
I sent an email last Monday to the bible study leader regarding "no hell" and "universalism" because they are studying the "Revelation" right now. I want to go to this bible study to see what will it teach about the "lake of the fire, etc". When I went to the meeting yesterday lunch time, he put a "recommended book" on the white board and told me this book will be good for me (and everyone) based on our email communication. The book title is "blessing and curses" from Derek Prince. Then he talked about "Deuteronomy" Chapter 28 about the obedience to God.
I could not figure out the relationship between this "blessing and curses" and "no hell" and "universalism". The only thing come to my mind is that he thinks I am out of the line right now and straight to the "cult" teaching. And he wants to warn me about the "curses" from involving the "cult" teaching.
However, at the same meeting, a woman shared that God puts an impression on her that we should ask God's forgiveness for our past father in Christianity regarding some of their false teachings and the negative impacts upon many generations down the road.
Then, we went into a little sharing about the family and generation curses passed from our ancestors and how we need to break down the curses and receive the healing and blessing from God.
Well, now, I am totally overwhelmed and frustrated. I don't know how to sort through all those information. I really don't know how much trust I can put on all those teachings that I have followed for many years.
I begin to doubt whether there is such thing about "blessing and curses" and "generation curses" etc. Is there such a thing about "speaking in tong", "power of Hole Spirit", "prophecy", "five fold ministries" etc.
I became a Christian through a Charismatic movement at its late stage (till 1989). I left this church in MI and went to various independent Chinese church at PA and MD. However, I still maintain and keep my associations and knowledge with "spirit-filled" Christian bodies. I could not deny the "super power" experiences that I personally had and the experiences from some people's testimonies. However, I am having "reservations" about all those "spirit-filled" teachings because all the negative attitudes from the mainstream churches and my own "independent" Chinese churches. In other words, I always want to "validate" the teachings and testimonies.
Last night, I finally figure out why God bring me to this concept of "no hell" and "universalism" and why he allows me to become a Christian through these "spirit-filled" teachings and experiences.
I know I always have problem believe God's "unconditional love". I know the primary reasons that I became a Christian is that I accept Father's authority in creation. Being a Chinese, I have a strong tendency obeying the authority over me. I accept His justice shown in OT and I have strong fear about the "hell" and "eternal punishments". I pay more attentions to the conditions in NT that will cut me off from the Kingdom of God if I do certain wrong things. I tried all the formulas that if your do these things and you will get those results, such as if you tithe, God will reward you. If you pray hard, you will get what you ask for. And, of course, I know very well all those bible verses that God will lead you through the death valley to let you die your flesh. I firmly believe Christian life is a path of suffering so that we will be purified to become His images.
Let me make it clear. It is ME personally focus on all those aspects of teachings based on my own perceptions and personality. I just don't like those teaching about God's love and I don't let it soaked into my heart. All my focus is how I can please God and reap the rewards at the end of my life. I am very "goal and performance oriented". I consider myself a very "radical" Christian in my early Christian life.
However, God allows things happening in my life that I could not maintain the "radical" Christian status any more. HE arranges my life to such points that I just could get things done the way I want. Out of long-term frustrations, I begin to see that God does not want me to be a "radical" Christian the way I planned to be. Instead, HE puts me aside and wants me to become one of "non-radical" Christians that I did not appreciate in my "radial" year.
My frustrations about life really makes me wanting to kill myself many times. However, the teaching of "hell" prevent me doing so. I am afraid of the "eternal hell" if I kill myself. Sometime, I begin to wonder "is there really a GOD?". Maybe God really does not exist and I just fool myself all those years by following all those church teachings? However, some of those "super" spirit experiences put "fear" on me because I really could not deny there are something "super" beyond my knowledge.
So, the conclusion is that my entire Christian life is built on the "fear" of God and the fear of "hell". It is this fear of "hell" prevents me from killing myself to this point.
When I realize there is a "new" teaching about "no hell". Can you believe what is my "immediate" response? My first thought is "Well, I may consider killing myself to end all my frustrations about life since I don't need to worry about hell any more".
It is just that I have a little old boy and I don't want to leave him for someone to care for. I know I am the best mom to take care of him and I know God gives me this boy to raise for a special purpose even though I don't why HE uses me (a rotten vessel??).
Now, it is my "strong" sense of responsibility that prevent me from "killing" myself since I don't have fear of "hell" any more. Also, I begin to correct my son about the "hell" teachings that he receives from his children Sunday School. I guess that's the main reason that God leads me to this concept of "no hell" and "universalism" so that I can correct the false teaching passed to him.
I know I am one of the very few Chinese woman who has the courage to "explore" any teachings outside the traditional mainstream Churches. I am the type person that will explore new concepts as long as it makes sense to me. I think God has a mission for me to pass all the learning that I acquire in my life to my son. I guess my mission field is to my little boy.
Well, that's all I can share so far regarding this new acquired teaching of "no hell" and "universalism". Please pray for me to open to God's love. I guess only "Holy Spirit" can break my "blindness" to God's love.