I just read your first 13 posts at the boards and I genuinely believe you're further along than I was in 2001 after I'd read half a dozen or more books on UR and was starting a UR website. I was one of the scary ones for whom eternal torment actually made sense, so although I was preaching it the first year that I had a basic handle on the message, it was still 2 more years before my heart could totally rest in it and before my mind could totally rejoice in it. I came into this with much fear and trembling, just knowing that it would eventually get proven out in my studies that it was too good to be true. God had to break it down for me verse by verse by verse and just about take me through all 31,173 verses of the Bible on it before I was willing to stop entertaining the possibility that none of it was real after all, that either God would cruelly torture for as long as He existed or that there was no God and anything else beyond this life.
All kinds of hidden beliefs, doubts, fears, etc., came to the surface at this time for me. So, if you ever find yourself doubting the existence of God or whatever, that's just the Gospel doing a purifying work and you shouldn't get too worried about it. Most of that's just in the emotional realm and has no real intellectual foundation. You're discovering your own gift of faith from Jesus during any bouts of that, and what you've previously been taught about all kinds of things will start coming under the magnifying glass for you. You're discovering what the earliest Apostles, (Paul particularly,) were RUNNING
towards the chopping block over. All hard thoughts of God fall away through an understanding that if He doesn't reach them in this life, then He'll nail them in the next life.
Not sure if you've thought of this yet, but isn't it amazing how people are only concerned about the violation of people's free wills when it comes to heaven, but they believe that any sinner just jovially runs after Hell and damnation and having the smoke of their torment ascending up forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever??? God's sending these people to Hell 'cause God forbid that He should ever violate their free wills!!!!!!!
If that ever makes sense to you, please explain it to me 'cause nobody else around here can
Welcome to Tentmaker.