i fell so badly but not because i hated him...i did not want to be an enemy of god...but i fell into very bad sins and i do not know how to undo them...two especially...i have asked him to forgive me but he has not....i cannot fix them or know how to....i did not want to be his enemy or to trample him underfoot...i love him and did not live like i did though or i would not have sinned...i cannot stop crying... i wan tot come back to him and have been tring all year but he seems to make it clear i crossed the line...it took me 20 years to finally once and for all confess a certain sin and i still do not know how to undo the damage it caused...i am sure ti was him who told me he held all of those things against em and i was nto forgiven fo them...he was very angry with me...i feel so hopeless
"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from ALL unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9)
God is faithful- even when we are not. Even the most grievous sins are forgiven AND WASHED AWAY when we confess them.
Perhaps it is not the Lord who will not forgive you. I believe He already has, because the scriptures cannot be broken.
"Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God" (Romans 10:17)
If you can "hear" what the word of God is saying to you in 1 John, and begin to thank Him for forgiving you and washing you clean- I believe the condemnation will be broken off of your heart, mind and soul.
Rom 8:1 There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death. For what the law could not do, in that it was weak through the flesh, God sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh, and for sin, condemned sin in the flesh: That the righteousness of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit.
I believe your repentance and desire to have fellowship with God is sincere, and it is some sense of law and the voice of the "accuser of the brethen" that is holding you down. Maybe even, you cannot forgive yourself. Trust the Lord'm He knows our faults, weaknesses, etc. As David was forgiven for adultery and murder- their is nothing you have done for which God will not forgive you. He loves you. He sent His son to set you free from the law of sin and death. Embrace His forgiveness and cleansing :o)
Without it you will not be able to walk in freedom from sin, because our deliverance begins when we accept forgiveness- not because we have stopped sinning.
Sin ceases, and death with it, when we embrace life- which comes by grace through faith beginning with forgiveness, and then we grow in sanctification as we learn to trust His faithfulnes towards us. Any faithfulness we develope towards Him is the product of His forgiving, cleansing and empowering us. Us perfecting ourselves is impossible. Only He can grant us grace and growth in love. All we can do is ask.
Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asks receives; and he that seeks finds; and to him that knocks it shall be opened.
9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?