Author Topic: I am not taking it anymore!!  (Read 450 times)

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Offline Nancy

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I am not taking it anymore!!
« on: January 24, 2009, 08:04:50 PM »
Hi there all,
I have a problem that with Gods' help I will overcome!

I have mentioned my husband many times, I think but it has come to a head now.
My husband suffers from depression and is a very controlling person. But over the years it has gotten worse.  I have tried everything, speaking kind words, being cruel to be kind (to a point), prayer, nothing works.  I have no life to speak of, he controls every aspect of my life and wanting a quiet life, I have given in. I have a friend in Slovenija I'd like to see but I can't; I would like a little chihuahua, but no; I would like to enter a singing competition, again, no, you get the drift.
I cannot live like this anymore and I don't believe God wants me to. I don't believe that its' Gods' will!
I am starting to wish my husband dead which is not a place I wish to be!
I may have to leave but that is something that I will have to deal with if nothing changes.
I'm not particularly asking for advice but any words of wisdom would be great.
Godbless
Nancy

Andromeda_Organa

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Re: I am not taking it anymore!!
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2009, 10:33:13 PM »
I suffer from depression too, b ut that's no excuse for him to be acting like that. Get a divorce.  The sin is his.

Offline Nancy

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Divorce?
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2009, 10:43:49 PM »
Hi there Andromeda_Organa,

Thanks for your input but i don't necessarily want a divorce. i want my husband to see that i mean business with this freedom thing and try to do things my way for a change and see what happens.  When i am ready i am going to tell him that i am going to see my Slovenian friend. if he doesn't like it, tough. he may realise that he can't boss me around anymore.  he can be a lovely person and i do love him but he is slowly squeezing it out of me. i don't think he realises how bad it feels to be in my shoes.
Godbless
Nancy

martincisneros

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Re: I am not taking it anymore!!
« Reply #3 on: January 24, 2009, 11:10:48 PM »
Divorce solves nothing [and sometimes makes things worse] when you're simply dealing with a breakdown in communication, if there's any chance that that's all that you're dealing with.  Have you tried asking him what he wants from you in a nonaccusatory way?  Are there certain days/times that he feels like he particularly NEEDS you?  Does he feel like by doing such and such that you'd honestly be leaving other important things undone?  Back to the overcoming evil with good principles, besides the nonaccusatory questions about what he's honestly expecting out of your relationship with him, and how he sees things, have you tried to rekindle the love and romance?  All anyone in a relationship wants is for their breath to be taken away in an environment where they can feel safe.  Have you ever tried to get to the bottomline on what's specifically been threatening his sense of security?  Sometimes it's a previous incident in the relationship where you've moved on, but he's still emotionally tender even if he's not putting it together that such and such is why he doesn't trust you.

Depression really does a headjob on a lot of people and perhaps he just needs very deep affirmation that you love him dearly.  Perhaps he's holding on too tightly out of fear of losing you, when you cut through the fog and all of the bull that's behind the million and one little tantrums and attempts at control.  Are there things that you've wanted to do that you've tried to be last minute about letting him know that this or that was going on and you'd like to be a part of it?  Are financial reasons ever a part of his trying to slam the brakes?  'Cause then it's liable to be a matter of discussing where you are at and coming to an agreement on where you plan on being over the next 18 months to 7 years and how/why certain activities/spending/whatever aren't a sabotage on all of that.  Have you detected over time that either of you entered into the relationship with a fear of commitment or with abandonment issues to where you might need to bring in some type of relationship counseling?

Andromeda_Organa

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Re: I am not taking it anymore!!
« Reply #4 on: January 25, 2009, 02:38:23 AM »
If there's physical abuse happening, I hate to say it, but divorce might be the only option.

martincisneros

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Re: I am not taking it anymore!!
« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2009, 02:43:32 AM »
Yeah, safety always comes first, if you were to the point of no longer feeling safe from bodily harm.

Offline Nathan

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Re: I am not taking it anymore!!
« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2009, 02:58:55 AM »
It's obvious there is still a bond between the two of you.  It would be a tragedy if a physical condition would be the culprit in ending this love covenant between the two of you.  And yet, at the same time, it's as you said . . . the ultimate will of the Father is that we be able to literally "live" in the peace that only comes from Him and living in physical bondage and fear is not an option.

Many will try to enforce marraige vows when things go wrong . .and to an extent, that's not always a bad thing.  But when the other is no longer able to uphold their side of the marriage, then regardless of how strong the other is, the marriage can not sustain it's strength by only one person holding to their vows.

I would not advise getting a divorce just yet, but a separation may be in order for a short time.  The husband may need to see that control is not what makes a marriage and once you show that you are serious about making a change . . .he may be willing to get some help not just with the depression, but with the abusiveness he's brought to the marriage itself.

If you do separate for a while, don't make it a secret . . . if he choses to become violent against you for leaving, he needs to know others are aware of things and are supporting you as well as protecting you.  If you separate, keep your words toward him on a constructive level.  Let him know that this is not because you don't love him, but because you can no longer allow him to abuse you.  And if he refuses to change, then you can refuse to return.  Separations are not healthy, but neither is remaining in an abusive relationship.  Obviously, something is broken . .and until change is introduced to the situation, it will remain broken.

You're in our prayers always.

In fact . . .
Father, we come to you with this situation that is beyond our ability to fix.  Your hands are hands that heal and so we release this into your healing hands and give this man over to you.  I pray that peace will return to Nancy in such a way that regardless of what happens here, she'll receive your strength and comfort so that not only will she survive this time in her life, but she will flourish because of it.  Let her feel your presence.  Let her know she is loved by you and your promise to be with us to the ends of the earth applies to her as well as anyone.  Take her under your wing father and let not the enemy remove her joy any longer.  Our hope is in you oh, Lord . . .in your name we declare that she may rise from this and give you praise as she goes through this darkness in her life.  Let your light and your love shine upon her right here and now Oh Lord . . .In your nature and in your name, I thank you for answering the prayers of the saints . . .

amen.
« Last Edit: January 25, 2009, 03:05:45 AM by Nathan »

Offline Nancy

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Thank you so much all of you!
« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2009, 11:14:07 AM »
Hi there all,
First of all, violence is NOT an issue. My husband isn't that way inclined.  He is stubborn to say the least.  I haven't said things in a way that i would have liked but then sometimes a sharp shock does the trick.  money is not an issue and i have tried to rekindle the romance, all to no avail.
Thank you for your prayers but unfortunately is my husband doesn't want to be healed, not even God can help him. I can only worry about  my self now.
Godbless
Nancy

Offline Nancy

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Haven't acted perfectly!
« Reply #8 on: January 25, 2009, 10:08:52 PM »
Hi there all,
Thanks again for comments.

My husband says that i haven't told him what i want out of our marriage, in a way that is 'christian'. I admit that i haven't said what i want in a brilliant manner but in an aggressive manner. I feel maybe that i have had it up to here, that maybe it's spilling out uncontrollably.  I find it very hard to ask people for what i want, having no confidence in what i want, due to controlling parents telling me what to do even if it made me upset.  My mother, bless her, forced me to go to ballet and piano classes even though i absolutely hated it. She controlled me like that.  I don't really know what i want in life due to that i think.
Godbless
Nancy