How To Give A Cat A Pill

[FineLinen]

1) Pick up the cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Take a new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut until count of ten.

4) Retrieve cat from under the sofa. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees. Hold front and rear paws, and ignore growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

5) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make a note to buy new ruler and get curtains repaired. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side to glue back together later.

6) Wrap cat in a large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of a drinking straw, force cat's mouth open, place straw in mouth and blow.

7) Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans. Drink a scotch to take away the terrible taste. Apply a Band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with soap and water.

8) Tie the little angels front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertical and pour 2 litres of water down cat's throat to wash pill down.

9) Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the hospital, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill from your eye. Call into furniture shop on the way home and order a new table.

10) Arrange for RSPCA to collect the mutant cat from hell. Call local pet store and see whether they have any hamsters for sale.

[martincisneros]

I've posted this before, but don't remember if on this incarnation of the boards since we had a couple of board crashes in July of '07.  This is sooo funny, still.  Fortunately, my cat will do absolutely anything I tell him to do without taking these more drastic measures.

[Cardinal]

  I remembered this one from before and I STILL have tears running down my face from laughing. This was one of the best. I guess you have to a cat owner to appreciate the not so subtle humor here, or at least a cat owner who has tried to give their cat a pill. I, am both. 

[martincisneros]

I have no idea what I'd do if I ever had to give this cat a pill.  Grab him by the throat or yank the tail and when the mouth opens in shock throw it down there with an air gun, or blow it through a tube like a dart down his throat?  Anyone that's never had one of these second [midget] cousins of a lion in their homes before has absolutely no idea of how bull headed they can be!  If he ever needed any medication, and I'm believing God that he never will, instead of a pill, I'd rather have a dart gun and just catch him, as he's running by, right in the butt from this computer desk. 

He'd howl and be licking his butt for an hour and a half as though he were so violated, insulted, traumatized, and abused by it, and he might come and bite me over it, but I'd at least know he got his medicine without my threatening to beat him within an inch of his life.  Or if he ever had to have medicine, since he doesn't like anybody messin' with the coat -- the little James Dean wanna-be, or is it the Fonz that I'm thinking of? -- he'd spend the next hour licking up every drop if I could just drop the proper liquid dose on his coat!  I like the idea of the dart gun better though, or blowing the dart through a tube at him.  Precise doses that way and no hurling it with an upset stomach over having been forced to swallow it.

Reverse psychology might work also with it being something he absolutely could never ever ever have!!  Or, leave a pill in a lower kitchen cabinet for him to find on his own.  If he thinks he found it by himself -- gulp!! -- there it goes right into his stomach.

[martincisneros]

then again...if he finds it on his own in a lower kitchen cabinet, he might just make it a hockey puck and slam it under the stove or fridge!