Have I never been forgiven in the first place have I been fooling myself these many years?
Hi Micha, I understand what this feels like. I have been there most of my life, and still struggle with this thought once in a while even now. The things I ask myself when I think/feel this way is 'Did Jesus die on the cross for the sins of the world?' I have to answer with a 'yes'. Am I part of the world He died for? Yes. Did He die for me so I can spend eternity with Him? Yes! Is there anything
I can do that can take away what He did on that cross? NEVER!
Romans 8:38 For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God
, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
1 Peter 3:18 For Christ also died for sins once for all
, the just for the unjust, so that He might bring us to God, having been put to death in the flesh, but made alive in the spirit;
He died ONCE, for ALL sins for ALL time. If I do something that's not good for me I still need to acknowledge it in order to move past it and heal from it, but I'm still forgiven even if I DON'T acknowledge anything. If I don't, I'm no worse or better a person, but I can't move past and heal from what has happened if the truth has not been 'confessed'. I am still constantly learning that to live in the Truth is to live in the Light! I don't always succeed, but the one thing I try to stick to is that I'm still forgiven no matter what I do.
When I drink my mind is two spirited, fighting, warring one side trying to beat this habit, calling on Him for deliverence,While the other side says you will not be delivered this is the hell you have found yourself in.
It sounds like you're trying to put more and more pressure on yourself to not drink and judging yourself as a failure when you do drink. You're NOT a failure, you're human! Every person on the face of the earth will fail at things they struggle with, some more than others. The thing to remember through all of it is that God loves you whether you're sober or not! His love for you and His opinion of you will NEVER change! And it's HIS judgement of you that ultimately matters. This is how come He blesses you in which ever state you happen to be in! I know that I don't deserve all the blessings I have gotten in my life, especially as of late, but He gives to me because He loves me, just the same as He loves you! Even in moments of doubt!
There is a great freedom that comes from understanding and believing that God has already judged you as worthy to stand beside Him. I believe that one day you WILL find this freedom. There is nothing in this world that you can do that will make Him love you more, forgive you more or accept you more because it has already been done for you through Jesus' blood. God states that He will NEVER leave us or forsake us... Ever!