Only getting closer to Christ can get rid of those feelings. Victimizing your body would only make you regret that you did to it worse than someone else had already done years earlier. The pain doesn't stop with self mutilation, an abundance of body piercings or burning yourself, or any kind of self hating activity. Scaring/scarring (sp?) yourself won't make it go away. Sometimes with these feelings there's a loathing of self, either your appearance, what you've done, or missed opportunities. Other times, it's just feeling like you can't cope any more and are deeply overwhelmed. I'm not sure if you experience some of what I've described or most of it, or something entirely different. But these aren't feelings that are new or original to you. Others have had them and they don't make you a bad person.
Usually the more special ones winds up going through this. You regret the day of your birth and wish you'd "wake up dead." But, you're you, with or without the body. Harming yourself because you think that nobody understands or out of some desire to see if you can feel anything at all during emotionally depleted moments isn't the answer. You are a very needed person in this life. You can make the difference in the lives of countless people that you've always wanted to make. And as you press into a deeper, fuller relationship with Christ Jesus, you can be a part of rescuing others out of this same Hell hole that you're in sometimes/many times/all of the time. Don't compare yourself or your level of happiness to that of anyone else. You're not a bad person for feeling drained or self loathing. Christ Jesus shed His Blood through a crown of thorns to redeem your brain and your mind from this frequent nightmare that happens in your soul where you're longing for death, but death seems to flee from you.
You're going to make it and you're going to change this world through the power of Jesus Christ and don't let anyone tell you any differently, okay? It's worth it to get to where you're going. Tough it out with the example of Jesus Christ clearly in view. Don't give up. If you give up, who is there to help all of the people that you were meant to help? Then you leave them in their Hell and prolong their agony if you give up. You don't want to do that, although I understand the feeling of not wanting to hurt any more. It's all birthpangs related to your destiny to fix everything that's wrong in the areas that have been on your heart. Never pull away and never let go.
