I have been a christian seeker since 2000, and became baptized into the church in 2008. But for some months now it's like I am in spiritual apathy. Except for some basics I don't even know what I believe in. I just can't decide myself anymore, maybe because so often I decided for this, then redecided myself for that, then this, then that again ... I dunno, it became tiring and dull in the end.
As for UR, I want to believe it, but it's like I can never be completely sure either way. And even while I do entertain some UR ideas I am reluctant to preach about it, fearing that I might mislead others.
It's not that I want to dive back into sinful life. I have become old enough so that fornication and adultery don't appeal to me anymore. I know love and service is the good stuff, and the little pleasures in life and having enough freedom to feel alive.
But bible study? I don't read the bible much anymore, maybe once or twice a week, and not for long. Sometimes I feel like God is here to show me He cares and still loves me, and then for a while I am happy, but it never lasts long until the boredom and the apathy set in again.
Maybe it matters that I have schizophenia, a chronic mental illness. In my past I have had many hallucinations, fell into delusions I was a prophet and a reformer in becoming, like Martin Luther. I pretty much left all of this behind ... but now I don't know how to go on. My heart seems to say, live on your own, enjoy what you like, go to church sometimes and partake in charity things like the stuff done by the Salvation Army or christian deacons.
I'm tired of the endless up and down, of trusting God and in the next day not knowing where the trust went. Of delighting in Heaven and then being bored even by Heaven and just wanting some real juicy peace of life with others. In a way God even showed me that He understands me. I met an old lady in the nursing home where I volunteer and she told me about Heaven and glory in the afterlife, and it was fine. Then I went home and woke up with the thought that I don't want glory now. Then I suddenly remembered a bible verse about herbs with love being better than a fattened oxen with strive. I felt like, ok God still knows it better and simply knows what life is about.
He seems to tell me, quit that theology thinking and just live with full strength. I don't mean life in rebellion, or life in greed, as so many understand it today, but perhaps a life that has sanctity in it, the simple sanctity of everyday life. If only I could overcome the apathy.
I hope this passes soon.