spiritual apathy

[anti_nietzsche]

Hi there,

I have been a christian seeker since 2000, and became baptized into the church in 2008. But for some months now it's like I am in spiritual apathy. Except for some basics I don't even know what I believe in. I just can't decide myself anymore, maybe because so often I decided for this, then redecided myself for that, then this, then that again ... I dunno, it became tiring and dull in the end.

As for UR, I want to believe it, but it's like I can never be completely sure either way. And even while I do entertain some UR ideas I am reluctant to preach about it, fearing that I might mislead others.

It's not that I want to dive back into sinful life. I have become old enough so that fornication and adultery don't appeal to me anymore. I know love and service is the good stuff, and the little pleasures in life and having enough freedom to feel alive.

But bible study? I don't read the bible much anymore, maybe once or twice a week, and not for long. Sometimes I feel like God is here to show me He cares and still loves me, and then for a while I am happy, but it never lasts long until the boredom and the apathy set in again.

Maybe it matters that I have schizophenia, a chronic mental illness. In my past I have had many hallucinations, fell into delusions I was a prophet and a reformer in becoming, like Martin Luther. I pretty much left all of this behind ... but now I don't know how to go on. My heart seems to say, live on your own, enjoy what you like, go to church sometimes and partake in charity things like the stuff done by the Salvation Army or christian deacons.

I'm tired of the endless up and down, of trusting God and in the next day not knowing where the trust went. Of delighting in Heaven and then being bored even by Heaven and just wanting some real juicy peace of life with others. In a way God even showed me that He understands me. I met an old lady in the nursing home where I volunteer and she told me about Heaven and glory in the afterlife, and it was fine. Then I went home and woke up with the thought that I don't want glory now. Then I suddenly remembered a bible verse about herbs with love being better than a fattened oxen with strive. I felt like, ok God still knows it better and simply knows what life is about.

He seems to tell me, quit that theology thinking and just live with full strength. I don't mean life in rebellion, or life in greed, as so many understand it today, but perhaps a life that has sanctity in it, the simple sanctity of everyday life. If only I could overcome the apathy.

I hope this passes soon.

[jabcat]

I thought of a few verses;

With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints  Eph 6:18


"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; as I have loved you, that you also love one another" (John 13:34)

 Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.  Js. 1:27

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.  Matthew 11:28-30

God, help our brother.  Day to day life can be a struggle.  Give him your peace, let him feel your love and acceptance.  In Your Son Jesus' name.

[Lefein]

Often times it is better to be a living epistle, than a thoughtful sermon.

[micah7:9]

Often times it is better to be a living epistle, than a thoughtful sermon.

I agree, only I would say it ALL  times it is better to be a living epistle, than a thoughtful sermon.
Just my 

[Nancy]

Hi there AN,

I know exactly how you feel.  Maybe you feel like i used to, you know, that you have to do something HOLY FOR GOD, like read the bible, otherwide you won't measure up!

Well i never read my bible, i just don't feel like reading it at this moment in my life.  But i have read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and i feel closer to God than i have ever felt, more confident in His care, knowing that whatever happens, happens for a purpose. So i try to live in the Now. I believe this way you can live a holy life even if it is ordinary. You are honoring God by liviing in the Now, noticing the flowers and trees how they praise God by just being, not doing. 
There is a quote by i believe it's by Meister Eckhart, If the only prayer you say is Thanks, that would be enough!

Godbless
Nancy

[Nil Recurring]

I was in spiritual apathy for years, almost abandoning the faith until I really began to study UR. Then it was like a light switch was flipped. I think the doctrine of eternal hell can be such a stumbling block that people choose not to think about it. When that part of the theology crumbles it seems like everything else comes down as well.

UR restored my foundation, and since you're here even posting about apathy maybe it's a sign that your apathy is starting to crack a bit. I'm with you on the mental issue thing as well, I don't have Schizophrenia but I DO have a strong anxiety disorder and OCD which nearly killed me before I went on medication...mental illness is a brutal battle and you have my prayers.