Im tired of life

[Shadow]

I really, really wish I had never been born, I just can't seem to do anything right, perhaps many of you think I'm just having a pity party, or you just don't care, i won't be surprised if no-one responds, I've always learned to expect the worst anyway, a pessimist is never disappointed

Why, oh why is it that you must hear of a nice beautiful young girl, or child must be taken early when they are in the prime of life, especially as they could have known happiness and true love and acceptance eg having had loving parents that were proud of them as well as close friends, what gets me is that I'm still here and for most of my life I haven't wanted to be, I just don't fit in anywhere

When I was young (chronologically, as I've never known a youth), I was always at fault if there was an argument between myself and someone else, I'm tired of always being made to feel as if I'm in the wrong, true there are times I can be wrong, but I cant ALWAYS be the one in the wrong

Now to the main reason for my post, just for being born (something I've never asked for, or ever wanted, in fact I'd rather just cease to exist anyway at my death, I don't yearn for heaven, I have no dreams, no hopes and no expectations), I keep hearing that the vast majority of mankind by default deserves to suffer unending torment, just for being born sinners, a condition that was thrust upon us

The thing is I suffer from severe generalized anxiety disorder, as well as social and avoidant personality disorder, everytime i think UR or even annihilation may be true (Yes I don't mind annihilation, at least with that doctrine one will at least one day be able to enjoy the sweet bliss of nothingness), I see something about ET and it puts me in a blind panic, the thought of anyone being in ET is more than I can bear, but most christians are totally unbothered by this concept and they have no problem with it whatsoever, last year I did have a problem with it, that's why I'm in the predicament I'm in

I identify as an agnostic theist now, because although I believe in God and salvation through Jesus Christ, I am unable to see an all loving God, and I personally cannot love a God that has preplanned ET for the vast majority of mankind, I am also unable to see ultimate reconciliation, I would say at present I'm closest to leaning towards the doctrine of conditional immortality, even CI has it's problems as it too reflects an unloving God, but biblically I think it's the closest to the truth

As a result of my dilemma I'm unable to pray, or answer the requests to pray for others although i empathise, I just feel that God is totally indifferent and oblivious to the sufferings of us all, what also worries me is what if ET is a true doctrine after all, if it is then God is not all love, it's a logical impossibility

If you KNOW this loving God, pray that I may one day be able to see him too

[Beloved Servant]

Shadow!
Of course you don't fit anywhere!
We are the land of misfit toys!
Praise God for your revelation!
Now, let the Lord of Life use you!

[claypot]

Shadow, hang in there. You know me, I too lift up my voice to the Most High and wonder why oh why. It's crazy, just plain crazy but it 'is' so I say 'Bring it on!'.

I'm thinking of selling all I have and roaming the country in a mobile home. I still have 7 kids and my wife but I am really thinking of doing this. I'm thinking of just going from camp to camp and hospital to hospital and just going around and helping homeless and poor people. Money is the problem but I would have a few thousand to start out and I would hope to work when I can. Live inexpensively, volunteer a bunch and hope for at least meals and see what happens.

Live a month here and a month there, find friends (like you) and visit them and so on.

Join me in spirit Shadow and lets keep fighting the good fight because a fight it is!!!

cp

[Paul Hazelwood]

The thing is I suffer from severe generalized anxiety disorder, as well as social and avoidant personality disorder, everytime i think UR or even annihilation may be true (Yes I don't mind annihilation, at least with that doctrine one will at least one day be able to enjoy the sweet bliss of nothingness), I see something about ET and it puts me in a blind panic, the thought of anyone being in ET is more than I can bear, but most christians are totally unbothered by this concept and they have no problem with it whatsoever, last year I did have a problem with it, that's why I'm in the predicament I'm in

Be glad you are bothered by it, it means your heart is seeing through your disorder.

[Beloved Servant]

http://www.lordoflifeministries.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=233:four-rivers&catid=35:video-messages&Itemid=57

[dboutwell]

Well, Shadow, I'm bettin that if you heard that God was coming to your town, you would be like Zacheus. You would go out on a limb or whatever you had to do to get to Him. Perhaps you are experiencing the "groaning" of creation waiting for the plan of God to complete.

I pray that you would be strengthened as you wait on the Lord. He does say you will run and not be weary if you wait on Him. May God give you the  you need to cause you to be expectant.

Much love,

Debbie

[sparrow]

Be glad you are bothered by it, it means your heart is seeing through your disorder.

I agree with Paul. The reason you are bothered by it is because you are OPEN. Your heart has not been hardened. YOU CARE!!!!!! This is a VERY good thing!!

Shadow, please know that you are among friends here.
I have my own meltdowns from time to time (just had one just recently and shared here.)

2 Corinthians 4:16
16 So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.


Don't lose heart, Shadow.

and don't worry about what other christians care or don't care about. The path is NARROW.
The way to destruction is BROAD. A lot of folks are going to have a lot of things that they believed in DESTROYED. (which is a good thing.) But the path to truth is narrow. It's not always easy. But hang in there. Ask Him for help. Ask Him for guidance.

I posted this somewhere else, maybe you will identify with the author:

Heavenly Dog

There are a few other articles on that site that are very good, too.

Just know that you are not alone.
we love ya...
come and talk anytime.
love,
your sis,
sparrow

[sparrow]

Well, Shadow, I'm bettin that if you heard that God was coming to your town, you would be like Zacheus. You would go out on a limb or whatever you had to do to get to Him. Perhaps you are experiencing the "groaning" of creation waiting for the plan of God to complete.

I love the way you put that, Debbie.

[dboutwell]

Sparrow,

We probably all feel like that every now and then. We just have to remind ourselves to "lay hold of the Word of God".

Debbie :)

[peacemaker]

Walk barefoot in the early morning hours on the dew of the grass.
Run the fine grains of sand through your fingers from a beach.
Drink a cool glass of purified water while lying in the sun.
Breath deeply and slowly when relaxing.
Swim in a warm pool of water.
Smell the fragrance given in a flower.
Laugh with a child.
Listen to the wind as it blows and to the rain.
Watch a bird in flight.

And know you are loved, even if you do not feel it.

"Things are not always as they appear in our mind."

But we have other stimuli, use them.

I will be praying, heart you

peacemaker

[jabcat]

All God's Children   [c Delirious?]

Light will come to those who wait
From the shadows souls awake
For these are the days when the nations will bow at the coming king

All our kingdoms fall with the mountains
And our empires crash into the sea
For these are the days when the nations will rise for the coming king

All gods children we will sing hallelujah

Hope will come to those who wait
As the heart of heaven breaks
For these are the days when the least of us all see the coming king
For these are the days when injustice will fall at the coming king

There will come a day when this will all fall away
And we'll be singing hallelujah

[Shadow]

Thank you all for all your lovely responses  , please forgive me if I came across too strong, I was feeling really low yesterday

Sparrow, I have read that article and I can identify with it, another touching article is Daddy what if, I think Charles Slagle has a depth to his personality that very few have, some of his articles had me in tears as I can identify

Claypot, I too can identify with what you posted last week the day after Michael Jackson's death, I read on another forum (Wisefire) that the fundy forums were going to town about MJ's eternal destiny, about how (he's getting what was coming to him ), I haven't been on any fundy forums as I cannot stomach their cold hearted selfishness right now.

You mentioned something about people grovelling, oddly enough even when I reluctantly somehow was able to justify the ET doctrine, I for some odd reason, which I could never put my finger on, was never comfortable in a conventional church setting, for many years I blamed myself and thought that the problem was with myself and that my heart wasn't right with God, although I wanted it to be, one thing I've discovered is that most people are content with doing their duty by going to 4-5 gatherings a week, but not really progressing for some reason, one thing I especially found odd, was that meetings were starting 5-7 minutes later than they should have eg instead of starting at 19h30 they were only starting at 19h35+ or so, plus they ended exactly at a certain time, for some odd reason I've never felt as if I truly belonged there. Most of the time I could not help but feel as if there was something very wrong, and also as if there was something missing, surely Xtianity is more than warming a pew for a few hours a week and trying to get by.

The church I attended believed in the rapture, and one gets the impression that they are just sitting around, and biding their time waiting to be raptured, leaving the rest of the world to their (in their own eyes deserved) fate, although I'm not totally convinced of UR, I no longer believe in a pre tribulation rapture, if there is going to be one, I'd say it would be a post-trib rapture, the point is, that with each passing day I'm personally finding this doctrine to be seemingly more and more rooted in total self-centredness

Beloved Servant, I just hope you are right about what I'm going through being a revelation, and not a deception

dboutwell, thanks for what you have posted, I do want to be a true believer, but I want to know for sure that God and Jesus loves all of us, and wants to save us all

Paul H - I just hope my heart is in the right place and I'm not being deceived, however I cannot change how I feel and go back to what I was before, if somehow ,someday I can see what I want with my whole heart to be true, then this nightmare will have been worth it after all

Thanks again for all your supportive comments, it means alot