It's a hard transition to switch from works to grace, and it makes the flesh nature of us that is used to the do's and don'ts and the false security of being in the flock numbers, feel unstable and insecure, like a drowning man, trying to hang onto whatever driftwood floating by we can grab hold of. What He's really wanting now is a closer relationship with just Him, where we learn to draw our life from His Spirit, and just LET GO and rest in Him and trust that He is doing a finishing work in us, as we have been called outside the camp.
In a true "dead" salt lake you cannot sink, not even if you try to. The water looks the same from all appearances, but the salt you can't see makes you buoyant. It is the same with this work of the Spirit; it feels like you could fall in and drown because you are used to being able to in normal water, but the truth of the matter is, this water, this flow of the Spirit, is not "normal" and He wants you to see that you can't sink because He has you in the palm of His hand, and He will raise you up without any effort on your part, except to have faith without seeing the result immediately.
Eventually, you come to the realization that you can't fall in any state of permanency because your nature has been so changed that you simply draw no pleasure from that which is not expedient to your spirit man. So you find you are no longer not doing things because you are not supposed to, but because you have no desire to. Sometimes you may try it anyway, unaware of that nature change, falling into old patterns and habits, but it won't be long before the joy is gone and you will fall back in line. That is the nature change that has been being worked in you, to bring you to this point where you could be trusted with the mature things of God.
Don't beat yourself up, keep pressing in, in your Spirit, keep praising Him and He will reveal Himself in greater intimacy than you have ever known before, because He has begun to remove the tutors and governors that were over you for a season. He is to be our only covering, the "fathers" and the "mothers" must relinquish their hold on us, so that He can be birthed in us, lest we be "pregnant" but never bring to birth. Not coming out from under the "mother" the church, means we risk being stillborn, refusing to allow the veil of the flesh to be rent. Praise God He has deemed you worthy to be brought to "birth".
Jesus defended the outcasts too, and was persecuted for it. The servant is not greater than the master, so we too get persecuted for it. You are not lost, you just are in unfamiliar territory right now. Remember He told them to keep their eyes on the Ark because you have not been this way before. Keep your eyes on the ark, and He will lead you into the next step for you. Blessings to you in your journey.......
